Haunting (requiem for the lost)

Falstaff · Apr 25, 2006, 07:39 AM

fading dream collision throbbing dull and release
from flesh and bone my wandering soul unleashed.

dwell here this place without light or dark forbidden and lost
no time no burden of expectation no reward and no cost.

when I lived and I learned that one day I must be wary
to live like Christ and heavens promise but here no sanctuary.

no voice to echo, no vision to see, without time and trapped within time
the righteous find their beacon in the darkness, but I have lost mine.

Salvation remains and will always be a dream while I once lived
I haunt this broken landscape and wonder if only I could give.

Damned and faded my last eternal will finally drift away and I succumb
the light of a dying ember extinquished and cold I lay completely numb

Spirits of the wandering souls deliver me from this unholy and forgotten place
I yield to light that guides me away from here another nameless face.

TheMiscreant · May 1, 2006, 12:47 AM

Okay, this was REALLY confusing. The lines are simply too long, and there are simply too many words. You could cut down on quite a bit, and make your message much much clearer.

Remember, you may see a lot in your poetry, but if the reader has no idea what you're talking about, then you're not going to get anything across.

Falstaff · May 1, 2006, 02:29 AM

annnh
I was in a mood...
sorry you dont like it...
perhaps it was a catharsis of emotion..
my apologies..

TheMiscreant · May 1, 2006, 03:43 AM

No, I'm sorry.

I've been in a bad mood all evening, so don't take anything by what I said. It was okay, but a little wordy.

Falstaff · May 1, 2006, 03:54 AM

yeah...I am a wordy guy...LOL

Apr 25, 2006, 07:39 AM	#1
Falstaff Old Codger Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: USAFA Posts: 19,047 Rep Power: 206	Haunting (requiem for the lost) fading dream collision throbbing dull and release from flesh and bone my wandering soul unleashed. dwell here this place without light or dark forbidden and lost no time no burden of expectation no reward and no cost. when I lived and I learned that one day I must be wary to live like Christ and heavens promise but here no sanctuary. no voice to echo, no vision to see, without time and trapped within time the righteous find their beacon in the darkness, but I have lost mine. Salvation remains and will always be a dream while I once lived I haunt this broken landscape and wonder if only I could give. Damned and faded my last eternal will finally drift away and I succumb the light of a dying ember extinquished and cold I lay completely numb Spirits of the wandering souls deliver me from this unholy and forgotten place I yield to light that guides me away from here another nameless face. __________________ "Inspiration is always a surprising visitor."

May 1, 2006, 02:29 AM	Thread Starter #3
Falstaff Old Codger Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: USAFA Posts: 19,047 Rep Power: 206	annnh I was in a mood... sorry you dont like it... perhaps it was a catharsis of emotion.. my apologies.. __________________ "Inspiration is always a surprising visitor."

May 1, 2006, 03:54 AM	Thread Starter #5
Falstaff Old Codger Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: USAFA Posts: 19,047 Rep Power: 206	yeah...I am a wordy guy...LOL __________________ "Inspiration is always a surprising visitor."

May 1, 2006, 12:47 AM	#2
TheMiscreant DriverHeaven Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Somewhere between Alaska and Hawaii Posts: 53 Rep Power: 0	Okay, this was REALLY confusing. The lines are simply too long, and there are simply too many words. You could cut down on quite a bit, and make your message much much clearer. Remember, you may see a lot in your poetry, but if the reader has no idea what you're talking about, then you're not going to get anything across.

May 1, 2006, 03:43 AM	#4
TheMiscreant DriverHeaven Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Somewhere between Alaska and Hawaii Posts: 53 Rep Power: 0	No, I'm sorry. I've been in a bad mood all evening, so don't take anything by what I said. It was okay, but a little wordy.