WALMART SUPER COMPUTER (humour)

Falstaff · Jul 30, 2006, 08:44 AM

[color=white]One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal*Mart. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal*Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal*Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal*Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal*Mart [/color]

Erroneus · Jul 30, 2006, 09:12 AM

He he

Aint bad, a shame we dont have any walmarks over here

YAYitsAndrew · Jul 30, 2006, 12:35 PM

You don't have walmarts? DO YOU LIVE IN HEAVEN????

Zardon · Jul 30, 2006, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YAYitsAndrew

You don't have walmarts? DO YOU LIVE IN HEAVEN????

well if you call outside the USA=heaven. then yeah I guess he does

**dj_stick** · Jul 30, 2006, 01:19 PM

haha i've heard one like that before

YAYitsAndrew · Jul 30, 2006, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zardon

well if you call outside the USA=heaven. then yeah I guess he does

Any place where walmart isn't infesting = heaven. I like USA otherwise. Although Canada seems pretty chill...

Erroneus · Jul 30, 2006, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YAYitsAndrew

You don't have walmarts? DO YOU LIVE IN HEAVEN????

With the hardware prices here in Denmark, it's defiently not heaven and also some of the highest taxes in the world plus some of the highest gasoline prices, but we have alot of fine women

Randomletters · Jul 30, 2006, 09:57 PM

I actually <3 walmart EVERY town small and large in every country on every continent should have 2

LHC · Jul 30, 2006, 11:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erroneus

With the hardware prices here in Denmark, it's defiently not heaven and also some of the highest taxes in the world plus some of the highest gasoline prices, but we have alot of fine women

But those taxes pay for health care and stuff, right?

Erroneus · Jul 31, 2006, 12:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LHC

But those taxes pay for health care and stuff, right?

They do, our money are offcourse used for stuff like healthcare, colleges, roads aso. But i wiuld love to se more things payed when used for and not forced over the taxes, 48% income tax sucks

But it's not only high income tax, we have alot of fees on alot of stuff like, gasoline, cars (oh god i hate when i see shows like top gear and they mention prices, and I know the price home here, is aleast double of that), medicine, alcohol, dvd recordable medias

aso.

Denmark is great country, but the taxes/fees are bit to crazy, whish also scares a lot of good foreign labour, like professors, doctors, soccer players

aso.

Geminiwave · Jul 31, 2006, 03:20 AM

walmart cant build a store within city limits. there are laws against it (lol not specifically against walmart but walmart isnt willing to change their business practices to get into the city)

so basically I live in heaven!

Markius · Jul 31, 2006, 04:45 AM

can anyone describe what a walmart store is like? maybe compare it to other stores (that other countrys may have outside the USA)

Tobey · Jul 31, 2006, 05:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Markius

can anyone describe what a walmart store is like? maybe compare it to other stores (that other countrys may have outside the USA)

Well its really hot, there is a lot of screaming... ummm oh yeah chains and shackles. The owner wears a werid red outfit with a tail too. Oh and not to mention anything good isnt allowed.

pr0digal jenius · Jul 31, 2006, 06:04 AM

walmart is about 6 acres of general store....car tires.....steaks.....camp stoves.....guns.....basketballs.....apples......po sterboard.....listerine.....everything

Dark Lord · Jul 31, 2006, 06:13 AM

the walmart super stores are your general convience store, complete gorcer along with clothing, toys, auto products, limited electronics, jewlery, pets, gardening, etc. in general, the super centers are pretty nice.

the regular old walmarts though suck ass in the worst possible ways.
the stores them self suck ass, everything is beat to hell and thrown all over the place, its normly the local welfare, red neck, bum, gang hang out location.

i actually just had to go to wal mart this afternoon, bastards are the only place in the city that sells a certain brand of oil by the quart.... anyways, when i was there i think i saw every stereotype there, except for the bum.

kn00tcn · Jul 31, 2006, 08:21 AM

just go to www.walmart.com or something, look at what they sell, imagine it inside a large store with sections... & people

no guns in canadian walmart...

nice joke btw

Jul 30, 2006, 08:44 AM	#1
Falstaff Old Codger Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: USAFA Posts: 19,048 Rep Power: 207	WALMART SUPER COMPUTER (humour) [color=white]One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at WalMart." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping at Wal*Mart [/color] __________________ "Inspiration is always a surprising visitor."

Jul 30, 2006, 09:12 AM	#2
Erroneus Get off my lawn! Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Denmark Posts: 13,417 Rep Power: 119 System Specs	He he Aint bad, a shame we dont have any walmarks over here __________________

Jul 30, 2006, 12:35 PM	#3
YAYitsAndrew Anti-Piracy Poster Boy Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: NJ Posts: 2,605 Rep Power: 79 System Specs	You don't have walmarts? DO YOU LIVE IN HEAVEN???? __________________ "It is because the resistance to paying for copyrighted material, although often characterized as arising from a supposed technical burden or principled concern for the public interest, arises rather from exactly the same segment of the brain that is dominant in shoplifters." - Mark Helprin, Digital Barbarism In other words, it's never okay to steal even if you think you have a good reason! www.yayitsandrew.com

Jul 30, 2006, 09:57 PM	#8
Randomletters ))<>(( Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 2,418 Rep Power: 54	I actually <3 walmart EVERY town small and large in every country on every continent should have 2 __________________ <----------- Sexy Budget Rig stats to the left.

Jul 31, 2006, 03:20 AM	#11
Geminiwave I Have lovely Breasts Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: In the closet... Posts: 5,395 Rep Power: 63	walmart cant build a store within city limits. there are laws against it (lol not specifically against walmart but walmart isnt willing to change their business practices to get into the city) so basically I live in heaven! __________________

Jul 31, 2006, 04:45 AM	#12
Markius DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 2,350 Rep Power: 0	can anyone describe what a walmart store is like? maybe compare it to other stores (that other countrys may have outside the USA) __________________ DriverHeavens Aussie... "Lifes tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late"

Jul 31, 2006, 06:04 AM	#14
pr0digal jenius Delete Me Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 14,648 Rep Power: 0	walmart is about 6 acres of general store....car tires.....steaks.....camp stoves.....guns.....basketballs.....apples......po sterboard.....listerine.....everything

Jul 31, 2006, 06:13 AM	#15
Dark Lord HardwareHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Grand Rapids, MI Posts: 5,945 Rep Power: 125 System Specs	the walmart super stores are your general convience store, complete gorcer along with clothing, toys, auto products, limited electronics, jewlery, pets, gardening, etc. in general, the super centers are pretty nice. the regular old walmarts though suck ass in the worst possible ways. the stores them self suck ass, everything is beat to hell and thrown all over the place, its normly the local welfare, red neck, bum, gang hang out location. i actually just had to go to wal mart this afternoon, bastards are the only place in the city that sells a certain brand of oil by the quart.... anyways, when i was there i think i saw every stereotype there, except for the bum. __________________

Jul 31, 2006, 08:21 AM	#16
kn00tcn DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Toronto Posts: 649 Rep Power: 0 System Specs	just go to www.walmart.com or something, look at what they sell, imagine it inside a large store with sections... & people no guns in canadian walmart... nice joke btw __________________ http://www.kn00tcn.net/site/ati-catalyst-profiles/ http://www.kn00tcn.net/FPSLimiter.rar