[kinetic]

COMPLETE TEXT OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S ANTI-TERROR PRESS CONFERENCE DETAILING TERROR-CIRCUMVENTING WAR AGAINST TERRIFYING TERRORISTS OF TERROR
Official Press Conference Transcript

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening. Before I get to the scary part of taking nosy questions and hoping that Dick Cheney stops talking in this dang earpiece long enough for me to actually hear your impertinence, I want to say a few words.

Terror. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Peace.

In fact, I'd like to say a few more words.

Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror.

See? When you mix them up, it keeps the folks at home off balance and sounds like you are saying something different without even having to memorize a new flash card.

First question: Bill? Wait - let's see what this here script says... yeah, Bill.

BILL: Mr. President, I just want to thank you for calling on me, as agreed. I hope my appearance on tonight's show will kick my career into high gear. You can always count on me, sir. My question is: I think you're doing a great job.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Fat chick in the back with the bad wig.

MISS STEVENS: Yes, Mr. President [unintelligible.]

THE PRESIDENT: Now listen little lady, my many handlers have worked me over good this week so that I could put on a good show for you all tonight. For example, we're trying out this new thing where I'm not going to look directly at most of you. My coaches were real big on me acting as shy as a Geisha girl tonight to overcome the impression about six billion folks are carrying around in their heads that I am something called "arrogant." So, they've ditched that cocky cowboy thing that has served me so well and have carefully trained me to talk tonight like a whole new person - since the old me was obviously pissing off a whole mess of people all around the world.

So, I hope you will appreciate my new act I will be trying out on you tonight. But just because I've got a totally new demeanor and talk with a voice as soft and sleepy as Pickles after her mid-morning "bonus" Xanax kicks in, don't give you all out there an excuse to also try out new, fun voices. I couldn't hear a dang thing you said, Missy, but I didn't like the look on your mug when you were saying whatever it was you were saying, so I am going to go to Robert - what was that Dick? - no, sorry, I am going to go to Oriental type fellow on the second row.

MR. LEE: Thank you, Mr. President. It seems that everyone knows that you have already definitely decided to go to war with Iraq. In fact, you made this decision a long time ago and nothing is going to change your mind, short of a new Gallup public opinion poll. So isn't all, this "I'm praying for peace" rhetoric simply a lie and an insult to the god you claim to worship?

THE PRESIDENT: First of all, I never said I was "praying for peace." I said I was "praying for a piece." A piece of Saddam's hairy asshole. And I know you kimono-wearing rice eaters have more gods than you have wontons, but here in America we just have three. But even those guys we lump together into one to make it easier to keep track of them. And let me tell you something, anyone who pays attention to how this whole public praying thing works - and watches the ratio of requests to results -- knows that our Trinity God obviously just set prayer up as some type of placebo to give folks who would talk to themselves anyway an excuse. So, the thing is, you know you can pray for peace without ever having to worry about the Lord actually interfering with your secret-hush-hush already-set-in-stone plan to go kill some Iraqi butt. Next question. Tom.

TOM: Congratulations on lassoing Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, who was no doubt plotting to blow up the world while crouching in a third world sewer. My question is: how long until these religious fanatics, who have never in the past allied themselves with their supposedly current secular patron Saddam Hussein, unleash buckets of nuke pox on America's discount retail warehouses?

THE PRESIDENT: I don't want to speculate. Could be months, weeks, days... hours? Better watch your back and vote Republican. We're the party of protecting you, the 'with us' people, from pain and convenience depravation. I am here to protect you. I won't leave the US at the mercy of Saddam, eeeeeeevil Saddam, no sir. Or the UN. Or Ted Kennedy for that matter. September the 11th was a terrible tragedy that I somberly milk for political gain, and I will make extra sure this time, it never happens again. You can bet your peas and carrots on that. Okay, um, you - bowtie.

BOWTIE: Mr. President, what about the legions of protestors around the world who are urging peace and, in fact, assert that America is a danger to global security as well.

THE PRESIDENT: People in free societies, or America, have the right to more or less express their incorrect, babbling views for a brief period of time. However, they also have the right to wake up one morning baking in a barbwire box at the X-Ray Inn Cubano if they don't learn when to button their fat lips. You with that sweet smile.

MRS. PHILLIPS: Me?

THE PRESIDENT: No. Next to you.

MR. JACOBS: Me?

THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, you. And make this a good one.

MR. JACOBS: Mr. President, as a follow up to the previous question -

THE PRESIDENT: About who has the sweet smile? Well, I may be biased when it comes to pouty lips, but I think it's clear -

MR. JACOBS: No, Mr. President, the question from Mr. Lee. Since most countries have the impression that you made the implacable decision to go to war with Iraq several years ago, don't many of our traditional allies think that you are being disingenuous when you consult with them, pretending to care what they think and that their input will have any effect on the final decision to go to war?

THE PRESIDENT: When did I ever give those losers the idea I give a rat's ass what they think? If this administration has accomplished one thing in the years I have been holed up in this White House, it is teaching folks that wear lederhosens, berets or other faggy clothes, that I care about their opinions about as much as I care which opening Jenna gets pierced this week.

Frankly, coming from Texas, I'm surprised it is so hard to talk folks into killing. But it is the diplomatic thing to do to give honored international institutions a choice. For example, I have given the United Nations a choice this week. They can either rubber stamp Dick - ur, my policy - or I'll just turn that little building they use on the East River into a Holiday Inn.

Let me make something clear: we are going to war because I personally believe it is right thing to do. And if I'm not going to let Americans have a voice in that decision, I'm certainly not going to listen to some wimpy foreigner! When I put my hands on the Bible during my inauguration into office, I told the Lord Jesus that if I ever got a wild hair up my ass about killing folks, I would just go with it and that any peacenik voters out there could just choke on it. Please hear my heart as it tells you: this administration will not allow either foreigners or facts to stand in our way of killing us some Iraqis.

What these Krauts, Frogs, Ruskies and all the wetbacks in Latin America need to understand is that we in America are in a better position to understand this Saddam guy and how he thinks than they are. You see, we own weapons of mass destruction. And we are also going to defy the United Nations. So, we can really get into this guys head and beat him at his own game.

Next question. Comb-over guy in the old sports coat who looks like he hasn't prepared anything.

MR. TOWNSEND: Mr. President, some are claiming that in your monomania to topple Saddam Hussein, you have not only allowed the United States economy to fall into neglected shambles, but you have also ignored the much greater threat posed by North Korea.

THE PRESIDENT: Them dog-eaters are a regional concern. Iraq is an international concern. And I am here to protect the American people - well, unless they're colored or happen to be wearing an army uniform right about now.

MR. TOWNSEND: But Iraq has no weapons that could reach the United States, and Korea does. So how can it be that, of the two, Korea is only a "regional" concern?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, if you lived in the Pacific Northwest region - like in Seattle - I bet you'd be concerned, too. Duh. Next! The black chick who always throws me a softball question about whether it helps when you are about to kill thousands of folks that you publicly talk about that Price of Peace guy all the time.

MISS SANDERS: You say that you hope that war won't be necessary because shedding the blood of American service men and woman is always your last option. You say that you are praying that war is not necessary. You say that the decision to go to war has not been made. But how do you respond to the fact that State Department officials have already told our allies that your decision to go to war is a "done deal." Isn't tonight just a cynical pack of lies trotted out in hopes of some public relations boast after getting your head handed to your diplomatically by the French, Germans and Russians yesterday?

THE PRESIDENT: You know, when I picked you, that wasn't the question you had told Dick you would ask. I'd like to pick again.

MISS SANDERS: And I would like an answer to my question.

THE PRESIDENT: Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror. Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Thank you. Good night.

[craig5320]

errmm.... ok

[digitalwanderer]

ROFLMFAO~~~~~ I liked it, but you forgot the bit about the the weird sweaty-plastic WAY over-caffeinated chic who threw him that cream-puff of a last question right on que.

[ToshiroOC]

I was rather amused by this, but nnot suprised in the slightest - of course they aren't going let this particular president field potentially problematic questions on the air without some advance preparation...

[Falstaff]

Is this the best you can do? No one had any real perception that is valid, about the war against terrorism, the efforts to remove Saddam from power, and world peace, it has been reduced to something really camp and lame.....George Bush rocks, whether the democrats like it or not.....Time to rally around the flag and become real amercans, because when the excrement hits the fan, we will see who really stands behind the president and who whines about the possible alternatives to victory over terrorism and support for one of the bravest presidents of the USA this country has ever known....Who among you are brave enough to be a true patriot or a whiner.........I served proudly, sacrificed and came home to incipient whining from appeasers.....sheesh...some of you have the courage to stand for the president and democracy right......perhaps not...sheesh

[Falstaff]

COMPLETE TEXT OF PRESIDENT BUSH'S ANTI-TERROR PRESS CONFERENCE DETAILING TERROR-CIRCUMVENTING WAR AGAINST TERRIFYING TERRORISTS OF TERROR

absolute crap....come one...this is really lame.....
I hope this amused you for a few minutes...because it didn't take any real intelligence....

[Falstaff]

for an englishmen, you could have exercised your right to expresse yourself intelligently....instead of this long winded and edited crap.....bloody limey

[ToshiroOC]

fallang_jeff, cool it. And don't triple post.

[Falstaff]

patriotic american posting, will observe courtesy super moderator

[ToshiroOC]

fallang_jeff, you are more than welcome to post patriotic stuff, but being patriotic doesn't encompass saying that Kinetic expressed himself stupidly through "absolute crap". Does that make sense to you? Be patriotic, don't insult and flame, and you'll be fine. Stay within the rules and you can say anything that fits within the rules. You don't have to feel that I'm trying to shut you up or anything, just we don't tolerate personal insults like that outside of the flame warzone, ever, and we don't find it to be a loss if that sort of thing isn't posted in our other boards.

[Falstaff]

I am a patriot, and there are more out there than perhaps post, But when someone contributes a full page of inaccurate information on the premise that it is what occured during a press conference, nationally televised about a president that I respect. then I think it falls within the perview of patriotic americans and indifferent ones as well to take notice. Anyone can post, and they have the right to be inaccurate. but I see little humour in attacks on President Bush. I served, I sacrifice and I tolerate the views of anyone in the free world that has a different opinion about my President, but inaccuracies for the purpose of being inciteful, sheesh....now that is Flaming WS material if I ever read it. I don't think it has to be profanity, it can be excrement as well....I beginning to feel like I am emailing customer service at AOL, it is just as rewarding....

[ToshiroOC]

The piece Kinetic posted was a satire, a joke. It wasn't an invitation for flames, and it wasn't posted in the political debate forum. It is simply unacceptable for you to go off at Kinetic like that outside of the flame warzone. People can take notice and post contrary opinions, people can post things that you might fail to see the humor in, people can post satires that you read as inciteful and insulting, and none of those things give you the right to go around the rules and attack someone. You are more than welcome to post that sort of thing in the flame warzone, but not here in the Off-Topic. It is that simple, and if you want further explanation, I want it kept to PM and out of this thread, which I expect to stay on topic from now on (yes, yes, I know, it's in the off-topic forum... but you know what I mean).

[ToshiroOC]

Oh, and you noticed how I've been responding to your posts and PMs within minutes? Don't feel like you are emailing AOL customer service, I'm easily faster than those blokes

[kinetic]

Originally posted by fallang_jeff
for an englishmen, you could have exercised your right to expresse yourself intelligently....instead of this long winded and edited crap.....bloody limey

I wasn't expressing MYSELF Jeff! As Toshiro said the article was pure satire and if you couldn't see that then more fool you! Over here we satirize politics all the time, it makes more sense that way. If the 'article' offended you then I am sorry but I can't believe you actually took it seriously.

[UberLord]

Originally posted by fallang_jeff
Is this the best you can do? No one had any real perception that is valid, about the war against terrorism, the efforts to remove Saddam from power, and world peace, it has been reduced to something really camp and lame.....George Bush rocks, whether the democrats like it or not.....Time to rally around the flag and become real amercans, because when the excrement hits the fan, we will see who really stands behind the president and who whines about the possible alternatives to victory over terrorism and support for one of the bravest presidents of the USA this country has ever known....Who among you are brave enough to be a true patriot or a whiner.........I served proudly, sacrificed and came home to incipient whining from appeasers.....sheesh...some of you have the courage to stand for the president and democracy right......perhaps not...sheesh

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!

Don't visit http://www.whitehouse.org if you really feel that way

EDIT by ToshiroOC: Sorry Uberlord, I accidentally hit edit on your post instead of quote

[WyreTheWolf]

fallang_jeff,

If you look carefully this is not the Political Debate forum, this is Off Topic.

This is supposed to be funny. Pure and simple it is satire...

This was never meant to be serious if it were meant to be serious is would have been posted in the Political Debate.

[fornicatarachnid]

Some people have no sense of humour

[ToshiroOC]

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!

Don't visit http://www.whitehouse.org if you really feel that way

Same goes for Cheney - he's suing to have the site taken down since they made fun on Lynne Cheney by putting a red clown nose with photoshop on a picture of her.

[UberLord]

Originally posted by ToshiroOC
Same goes for Cheney - he's suing to have the site taken down since they made fun on Lynne Cheney by putting a red clown nose with photoshop on a picture of her.

Some people have no sense of fun - they've been takling the piss out of US politicans for years!

Tell Cheney to watch "Have I got News for You" on BBC. They've been going for ages having a poke at politics in the UK and abroad.

[Falstaff]

this is the big cyber sandbox where everyone gets to play. ....back to the real world, bye

[ByteMe]

Originally posted by fornicatarachnid
Some people have no sense of humour

I am deeply offended by that! Apologize female dog!

[UberLord]

Originally posted by ByteMe
I am deeply offended by that! Apologize female dog!

Language!

[UberLord]

Originally posted by fallang_jeff
this is the big cyber sandbox where everyone gets to play. ....back to the real world, bye

You mean that only you get to play in the real world?

Seriously - everyone has their own persepctive - respect that.

[CherryPopper]

LOL..... thats damm funny and not that far from the truth to be honest.....

Anyone watching that press conference could not help be struck by how Bush repeatedly avoided almost every single question posed to him, constantly diverting the questions, making no attempt to actually address what they had asked, but rather to simply restate his feelings, his beliefs, and his b*llshit agenda.

[ByteMe]

Originally posted by CherryPopper
LOL..... thats damm funny and not that far from the truth to be honest.....

Anyone watching that press conference could not help be struck by how Bush repeatedly avoided almost every single question posed to him, constantly diverting the questions, making no attempt to actually address what they had asked, but rather to simply restate his feelings, his beliefs, and his b*llshit agenda.

You say this as if none of the rest of the politicians don't do the same damn thing.

[CherryPopper]

Originally posted by ByteMe
You say this as if none of the rest of the politicians don't do the same damn thing.

It is a dangerous thing, i belive, when a president comes to a point where he is incapable of listening.

[UberLord]

Originally posted by ByteMe
You say this as if none of the rest of the politicians don't do the same damn thing.

True - but a lot of other current day politicans can and have given much more competent answers to similar questions.

[UberLord]

Originally posted by CherryPopper
It is a dangerous thing, i belive, when a president comes to a point where he is incapable of listening.

from www.whitehouse.org
Terror. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Peace.

In fact, I'd like to say a few more words.

Peace. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Terror.

See? When you mix them up, it keeps the folks at home off balance and sounds like you are saying something different without even having to memorize a new flash card.

he listens alright - to corporations and such.

[ByteMe]

Originally posted by CherryPopper
It is a dangerous thing, i belive, when a president comes to a point where he is incapable of listening.

Maybe, but when you are getting ready to kick a$$ do you really need to listen? (Sounds like a way to get a good sucker punch)

[Mac Daddy]

Originally posted by WyreTheWolf
fallang_jeff,

If you look carefully this is not the Political Debate forum, this is Off Topic.

This is supposed to be funny. Pure and simple it is satire...

This was never meant to be serious if it were meant to be serious is would have been posted in the Political Debate.

Well Wyre if ByteMe has his hand it will be
Or even further corrupted to the WarZone

Some people have neither a sense of humor or a sense of respect.

Warzone belongs in Warzone, poisoning threads and corrupting them is not what DH is about

In my Humble Opinion