Billy Connolly's 14 things I hate about everybody

Falstaff · Jul 19, 2008, 02:00 PM

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....
I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.

Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser,
I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn
thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken
Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks.
Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

YouTube - Billy Connolly Live In Edinburgh Part 2

YouTube - Billy Connolly - Live In New York Part 3

(parental advisory)

**MIG-31** · Jul 19, 2008, 02:16 PM

Yup Classic Connolly,always straight to the point..But funny none the less.

Falstaff · Jul 19, 2008, 02:46 PM

I actually think he is a genius..
and he gives wankers a go every time
no shame on him
he could care less boot the bloody bastards...LOL
YouTube - "Billy Connolly" "Evil Scotsman"
(dont play when your mum's around)

***craig5320*** · Jul 19, 2008, 02:54 PM

Billy's great, I like Jimmy Carr as well

Falstaff · Jul 19, 2008, 03:03 PM

indeed...
googling as I type

***Veridian3*** · Jul 19, 2008, 04:03 PM

His comedy is great but also worth a watch are his Tour series:

World Tour of Scotland
World Tour of Australia
World Tour of Ireland, Wales and England
World Tour of New Zealand

Basically documentaries where he drives round from venue to venue via different historical and cultural places. There are clips from each venue mixed in as well so its interesting, educational and funny.

( Amazon.co.uk: Billy Connolly world tour )

Falstaff · Jul 19, 2008, 07:33 PM

thanx Master V
are you an evil scotsman too?

Jul 19, 2008, 02:00 PM	#1
Falstaff Old Codger Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: USAFA Posts: 19,048 Rep Power: 207	Billy Connolly's 14 things I hate about everybody (parental advisory) 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the fck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fcking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fcking floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 8. When people say "life is short". What the fck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fcking does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knb head? 10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots? 11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. 12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. 13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fcking McTosser. 14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off. YouTube - Billy Connolly Live In Edinburgh Part 2 YouTube - Billy Connolly - Live In New York Part 3 (parental advisory) __________________ "Inspiration is always a surprising visitor." Last edited by Falstaff; Jul 19, 2008 at 02:44 PM.

Jul 19, 2008, 02:16 PM	#2
MIG-31 HardwareHeaven News Mod Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Nottingham,UK Posts: 56,848 Rep Power: 471 System Specs	Yup Classic Connolly,always straight to the point..But funny none the less. __________________ Please Post Your News Submissions Here

Jul 19, 2008, 02:46 PM	Thread Starter #3
Falstaff Old Codger Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: USAFA Posts: 19,048 Rep Power: 207	I actually think he is a genius.. and he gives wankers a go every time no shame on him he could care less boot the bloody bastards...LOL YouTube - "Billy Connolly" "Evil Scotsman" (dont play when your mum's around) __________________ "Inspiration is always a surprising visitor." Last edited by Falstaff; Jul 19, 2008 at 02:57 PM.

Jul 19, 2008, 02:54 PM	#4
*craig5320* HH Administrator Join Date: May 2002 Location: Manchester, UK Posts: 8,572 Rep Power: 445 System Specs	Billy's great, I like Jimmy Carr as well __________________ HardwareHeaven on Facebook

Jul 19, 2008, 03:03 PM	Thread Starter #5
Falstaff Old Codger Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: USAFA Posts: 19,048 Rep Power: 207	indeed... googling as I type __________________ "Inspiration is always a surprising visitor."

Jul 19, 2008, 04:03 PM	#6
*Veridian3* Administrator Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Cloaked Posts: 5,028 Rep Power: 181	His comedy is great but also worth a watch are his Tour series: World Tour of Scotland World Tour of Australia World Tour of Ireland, Wales and England World Tour of New Zealand Basically documentaries where he drives round from venue to venue via different historical and cultural places. There are clips from each venue mixed in as well so its interesting, educational and funny. ( Amazon.co.uk: Billy Connolly world tour )

Jul 19, 2008, 07:33 PM	Thread Starter #7
Falstaff Old Codger Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: USAFA Posts: 19,048 Rep Power: 207	thanx Master V are you an evil scotsman too? __________________ "Inspiration is always a surprising visitor."