[WildChild]

Check to see if your a computer addict

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Originally posted by wildchild
Check to see if your a computer addict

lol howd they get a picture of my desk lol

[Mac Daddy]

Thats nasty

[Falstaff]

>And You Thought You Knew EVERYTHING...
> >>
> >> Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks
>the
> >> mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
> >>
> >> Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6
>feet
> >> away
> >> from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the
>flush.
> >>
> >> The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for
>blood
> >> plasma.
> >>
> >> No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
> >>
> >> Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
> >>
> >> You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
> >>
> >> Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age
>or
> >> older.
> >>
> >> The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
> >>
> >> The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
> >>
> >> A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first
> >> flight.
> >>
> >> American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive
>from
> >> each
> >> salad served in first-class.
> >>
> >> Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
> >>
> >> Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
> >> morning.
> >>
> >> The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
> >>
> >> Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
> >>
> >> The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
> >>
> >> Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of
>the
>Nike
> >> factory workers in Malaysia combined.
> >>
> >> Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
> >>
> >> All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being
>
>seen
> >> wearing them in public.
> >>
> >> Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
> >>
> >> Pearls melt in vinegar.
> >>
> >> Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
>
>are
> >> already married.
> >>
> >> The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola
>
>and
> >> Budweiser, in that order.
> >>
> >> The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days
>when
>the
> >> engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the
>ground
> >> floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
> >>
> >> Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
> >> contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second
>was
> >> William Jefferson Clinton.
> >>
> >> Turtles can breathe through their butts.
> >>
> >> Butterflies taste with their feet.
> >>
> >> In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the
>world's
> >> nuclear weapons combined.
> >>
> >> On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every
>year.
> >>
> >> On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
> >>
> >> Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
> >> immigrants.
> >>
> >> Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
> >>
> >> Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
> >>
> >> Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
> >>
> >> It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
> >>
> >> The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every
>year
> >> because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account
>the
> >> weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
> >>
> >> A snail can sleep for three years.
> >>
> >> Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
> >>
> >> Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and
>ears
> >> never stop growing. SCARY!!!
> >>
> >> The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
> >>
> >> All polar bears are left-handed.
> >>
> >> In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
> >> including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
> >>
> >> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> >>
> >> TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
>letters
> >> only on one row of the keyboard.
> >>
> >> "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
> >>
> >> A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
> >>
> >> The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
> >>
> >> Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
> >>
> >> Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their
>elbow.

[jkayca2]

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in,
and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby,
Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is
a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...
of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a
penis... AND a brain?"

[jkayca2]

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye is wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye has run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

[Mac Daddy]

Originally posted by jkayca2
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in,
and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby,
Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is
a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...
of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a
penis... AND a brain?"

Jkay ............ thats funny

Man will this thread reach 300 posts ........... Neon .. Pete .. Kinetic .... Jkay .... any more?
I'm fresh out .. you guys ROCK
As well as all the others who have posted

[the_penguin]

The Good,The Bad and The Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

[the_penguin]

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an
alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous
sister had done several years ago._ Sources reveal the sister was not as
accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the__ target and stabbed her
husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The
husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Luella
has been charged with a . . . . . . . ..


"Misdewiener".

[shortstuff]

LMAO penguin.....those are great.

[the_penguin]

a lil humor for those who like racing....



A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever
physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual
tests the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I
could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing" said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The
South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe" asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied........
"We're called The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred

[the_penguin]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to
each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jell-O
and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says,"Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born ...Couldn't walk for a year."

[the_penguin]

Dear Staff,

Due to the current slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 40 years of age or older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel with Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

THE MANAGEMENT

[Mac Daddy]

Keep them coming ......... Penguin

[the_penguin]

"Operation"

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long
time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks
the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once
it's done, there's no going back. It will change your
life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change
my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or
I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my
better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he
is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down
the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading
towards him is another patient, who is walking
exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve,"It
looks as if you've just had the same operation as
me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after
37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "DAMN!
THAT'S the word!

(Enter wincing with thoughts of extreme pain...LOL)

[shortstuff]

A man sitting at the bar announces "If anyone can drink 20 pints of Guinness, I will not only pay for it, but I'll give you a hundred dollars." The bartender pours the 20 pints and lines them up at the bar. The man sitting next to him gets up and leaves. He looks around, and no one is taking his challenge. The man who left, returns to the bar and announces proudly that he can drink all 20 pints. So he does. The man is amazed and gives him the money. Then he asks where he went. "Well, I had to go to the bar next door and make sure I could do it first"

[shortstuff]

Ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow:
1) Text on Web pages display as Morse Code and...
2) Graphics arrive via FedEx.
3) You believe a heavier string might improve your throughput
4) You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup and it displays a week later.
5) Your credit card expires while ordering on-line.
6) Playboy web site exhibits "Playmate of the year"...for 1989.
7) You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "Ping Pong".
8) Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.
9) You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10) You click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

[shortstuff]

Signs that You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web:
1) Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
2) You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 4.0" on one of the clouds.
3) You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
4) You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
5) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
6) You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
7) You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
8) Your dog has his own webpage.
9) So does your hamster.
10) When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

[shortstuff]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

[Stormy]

try installing Sex 9.5

[Mac Daddy]

LMAO WTWife .....
Heres my guy .......

Carlin

[shortstuff]

LMAO Mac Daddy..........he is crude as hell but the best

[shortstuff]

Buff your mouse pad
Make a list of things to download
Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem
Count to 500 in "click" language
Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don't overdo!)
Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter

11% DONE!


Name the presidents

Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side one
Relace your shoes

Read every classified listing for "programmers"
Carefully clean your mouse rollers and track ball
Hone your monitor's picture to ridiculous perfection

23% DONE!


Fill out all your registration cards in triplicate
Alphabetize your diskettes
Alphabetize your CD-ROMs
Re-alphabetize your diskettes and CD-ROMs together

32% DONE!


Cut your fingernails
See how many words you can make from "download"
Make a sculpture out of your fingernail clippings
Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side two
Time to windex that monitor again!

42% DONE!


Might as well balance the old checkbook
Practice the "rubber pencil" routine
Weed out the rolodex
Buff the mouse pad -- oops,already did that!
French Braid (optional)

52% DONE!

"This would be a good time to register your software" (done that!)
Re-kid proof the butane lighter
Solitaire
Solitaire round 2
Solitaire round 3 (no cheating this time)

65% DONE!

Think of good domain names to pre-buy
Persue the Egghead mailer again

67% DONE!


RE-label file folders in all caps
Penny rolls, Penny rolls, penny rolls
73% DONE!



Color code your extra cables
78% DONE!



Find all celebrities that share your birthdate

83% DONE!

Nerf basketball to 100!

94% DONE!

100 situps

98% DONE!



Get ready.....
Connection Terminated - Start over!


Find a pistol.....

[Mac Daddy]

Originally posted by Stormy
try installing Sex 9.5

Well Stormy did you have the correct drivers installed ... And if so did they bench as well as you thought???
Or did they leave you tired and unsatisfied ??

[shortstuff]

"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."

[Mac Daddy]

Wyre the Wife ........... thats just to funny ........

(Mac Daddy has to once again leave his chair)

ROFL

[shortstuff]

If you messed up your life, you could press
"Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors,
turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life,
click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance,
just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on find.

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a
Pizza would be on it's way to YOU...

The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end...
You wish there was zoom & 'view full screen' in life!

After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch...
You wish there was an evaluation period or at least a sample down load or a demo version!

One day you realize that your are turning bald...
You wish there was cut and paste in life!

[COLOR=darkblue]I could have used this on some occasions through my life LOL[/COLOR]

[Mac Daddy]

Rodney Dangerfield .....

Oh, I had an uncle who was really a big drinker. The fire burned for four days!

Oh, kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another!

My life, I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. And I was jealous of the dog - so they got rid of me!

I don't get no respect. One night I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand - my wife lit it!

I made love to an inflatable girl - now I got an inflatable guy lookin' for me!

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents.
Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I was so poor, in my neighborhood - the rainbow was in black and white!

I tell you, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting to fighters - my wife and her mother.

I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh....

In my neighborhood, they got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother!

I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the circus; we went to see the freaks.
The owner looked at me, he said, "Get the kid out. He's distracting from the show!"

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food!

Oh, when I was kid, I got no respect. I was kidnapped; they sent back a piece of my finger.
My old man said he wanted more proof.

Oh, I'm getting old - my insurance company sent me half a calendar!

And when we were kids, the whole neighborhood made fun of my brother. They'd call him four eyes.
Then when he got glasses then they called him eight eyes.

I told a guy, "Kids. Today the way they dress, you can't tell boys from girls. Why, look at that kid over there. What's that? A boy or a girl?"
He said, "That's a boy, that's my son." I said, "Sure, you knew, you're his father." He said, "I'm not his father, I'm his mother!"

Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids!

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

With my wife, I can never have a good time. The other night I was drinking. She told me to stop.
She said, "You're drunk enough for me." I told her, "I'm never drunk enough for you."

I remember I told my wife, "Honey, I love you, will you marry me?" She said, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do this."

My doctor told me not to make any quick moves - and my wife told me not to make any moves!

I tell you, a hooker is more important than a doctor. I mean, four o'clock in the morning, drunk. I'd never walk up five flights of stairs to see a doctor.

I found out how the limbo started - yeah, midgets sneaked into a pay toilet.

Last week, my fan club broke up - the guy died.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I used to sleep six in one bed. I didn't know what it was to sleep alone until I got married!

When I was a kid, I was poor. My teeth were all yellow - I mean yellow - why, when I would smile, I would stop traffic!

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was, she put everything in both names. Her and her mother's.

I loaned a guy ten thousand dollars to get plastic surgery - now I can't find him - I don't know what he looks like!

And I was an ugly kid. Everytime my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my picture. I mean, ugly. My mother breastfed me through a straw.

My wife had an orgasm last night. She called me and told me!

[Mac Daddy]

Quotes from Denis Leary:

"I would never do crack ...
I would never do a drug named after my own ass, okay?"

"We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest.
Yoko Ono is standing right next to him.
Not one F**king bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!"

"Life sucks. Get a F**king helmet, okay?"

"Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct"

"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution
wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid!"

"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate
All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."

"I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nuture."

[Mac Daddy]

Quotes from Groucho Marx:

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife"

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke"

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, its to hard to read"

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you.
In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do"

"Women should be obscene and not heard"

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped"

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members"

"I must confess, I was born at an very early age."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."