[The_Neon_Cowboy]

In A Childs Mind
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy
kittens and 2 girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mom asked. "Daddy
picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on
the bottom."
.................................................. .................................................. ...........................

Subject: FW: A Blond in trouble
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit,
was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work,
a blonde haired women, had been shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the
crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a
K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the
porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to
find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
.................................................. .................................................. ...........................

Three Hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas.
One says; Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shoppin
today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!
Then the other guy says; ah that ain't nothin, my wife's dumber than
that! She went shoppin yesterday and had a washin machine delivered. They
all laughed and laughed, why nobody around here has plumbing!
The third hillbilliy said; well, I reckon my woman's got to be the dumbest.
Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found
six condoms. Hell, she ain't got no penis!

.................................................. .................................................. ...........................
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck from Idaho were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage."
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off
this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again. If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The redneck from Idaho opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I
get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
* Next Day- The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and
cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
The redneck from Idaho opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his
death also.
* At The Funeral- The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to
him again."
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas, I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife.... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He made his OWN lunch!"
.................................................. .................................................. ...........................

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were freezing, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it burned and sank - proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll
just have the Eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's
served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
hubcap?" The waiter sings "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the
end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that
he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a
daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came
in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This
isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender,
"it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a
book, the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the
jungle knows readers digest but writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his real mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they
are twins, and if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
.................................................. .................................................. ...........................
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have
you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are
disabled.

Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are
full of crap.

Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over
them for life.

Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.

.................................................. .................................................. ...........................

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White
House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting
married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his
name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I
have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time.
She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the
bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your
half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was
heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later
she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're
getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private
conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too,
Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally
decided to go to her Mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I
guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall
in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her
head. Don't pay any attention to what he says dear.
He's not really your father."

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

.................................................. .................................................. ...........................
SIMPLE FRIENDS AND REAL FRIENDS
~*~A simple friend can stand by you when you are right, but a real friend
will stand by you even when you are wrong

~*~A simple friend identifies himself when he calls. A real friend
doesn't have to..

~*~A simple friend opens a conversation with a full news bulletin on his
life.
A real friend says, "What's new with you?"

~*~A simple friend thinks the problems you whine about are recent. A
real friend says, "You've been whining about the same thing for 14 years.
Get off your duff and do something about it."

~*~A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders
soggy from your tears.

~*~A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend
has their phone numbers in his address book.

~*~A simple friend brings pepsi to your party. A real friend comes early
to help you cook and stays late to help clean.

~*~A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A real
friend asks you why you took so long to call.

~*~A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real
friend seeks to help you with your problems.

~*~A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend
could blackmail you with it.

~*~A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens
your refrigerator and helps himself/herself.

~*~A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an
argument. A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've
had a fight.

~*~A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real
friend expects to always be there for you!

~*~*Pass this on to anyone you care about....if you get it back you have
found your true friends!~*~*


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A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what
her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm,
wait for a snow plow and follow it" Pretty soon a snow plow came by,
and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty
five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her
what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she
ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and
said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to
K-Mart."
.................................................. .......................................

For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a positive
answer for it.

You say: "It's impossible"
God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)

You say: "I'm too tired"
God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: "Nobody really loves me"
God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 13:34)

You say: "I can't go on"
God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: "I can't figure things out"
God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)

You say: "I can't do it"
God says: You can do all things (Philippines 4:13)

You say: "I'm not able"
God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: It will be worth it (Romans 8:28)

You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: I FORGIVE YOU (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: "I can't manage"
God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippines 4:19)

You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (I Timothy 1:7)

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)

You say: "I don't have enough faith"
God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)

You say: "I'm not smart enough"
God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: "I feel all alone"
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

Pass this on. You never know whose life may be in need of this today!

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Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one."
Tech Support: What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out
of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's
defective."

Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker
to the right side of the machine and vice versa."
Customer: (sputter) (click)

Tech Support: (snicker)

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Customer: "I'd like to return this scanner."
Store Clerk: "Excuse me?"
Customer: "This scanner I bought. I paid eighty dollars for this
scanner, and it doesn't work!"

Store Clerk: "Uh . . . sir, that's a trackball."
Customer: "No, it isn't. It says 600 dpi tracking resolution right
here!"
.................................................. .................................................. .
Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having
problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry.
It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half.

I walked her through the basics, then came over and printed out a test
sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job
to the printer.

As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me.

I told her to WAIT until the paper came out on its own.

.................................................. .................................................. .
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division
for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just
couldn't solve.

She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which
truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and
yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but
green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for
yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges.

I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers.

Nothing worked.

I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over
two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send
the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try
printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction
paper?"

.................................................. .................................................. .
: Control your Drinking
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean
REALLY REALLY drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he tumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So
he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun
was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched
her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and
kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much so
then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and
said...."Not very tough tonight, are you Batman".

.................................................. .................................................. .
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest
that perhaps they're too old to do it." - Ann Bancroft
~~~ Life From a Women's Perspective: ~~~


Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled
over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're
right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the
lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the
meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner".

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can
understand them.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to
go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally
resting to make a purchase.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style
you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician".

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in
space...if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of
contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus...
breath...
push... Good Girl!"

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere
romantic". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing
set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating,
marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of
a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself
lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry,
shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone male to
take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.

.................................................. .................................................. .
Subject: CAT WISDOM
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.

.................................................. .................................................. .
You can tell a PC user is a redneck when...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
> 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a SKOAL can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
5. The password is "Bubba".
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
8. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
9. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
10. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
11. All menus have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
12. Four words... Jeff Foxworthy WAV files.
13. The monitor is up on blocks.
14. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
> 15. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
16. The entrance WAV is Dueling Banjos.
17. The six front keys have rotted out.
18. John Deer Pocket Protectors.


.................................................. .................................................. .

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

EVEN MORE You Know it's time to turn your computer off and read a
book when .......
1. A friend calls and says "How are you? Your phones have been
busy --for a year!!!!!"
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name
on it.
12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an
instant message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had
your ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online
for a while.
18. "Where did the time go??"
19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to
sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.
21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more
periods.......
22. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.
23. You think faster than the computer.
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}
and **kisses**.
25. Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you.
26. You're on the phone and say BRB.
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood
shot eyes.
28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like
this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP".
29. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Two guys both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. so, a
nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery
and takes them to a private room.

She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table,
which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins
to masturbate him. "Whoa!" he says, "What's going on?"

She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure
that he has no blockages.

The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?"So he agrees and allows the nurse to
finish her task.

Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to
the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the gets a big smile on her face,
licks her lips, and begins to perform a blow job on him.

Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off, and
he gets a blow job. That's not fair."

The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry, buddy. That's the
difference between Blue Cross and HMO!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Twelve things you shouldn't say to an office when he pulls you over.

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only
gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there
are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have
you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,
"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Ballad Of The Y2K
____________________________________
(sing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")

sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date

RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away.

"But management had not a clue;
"It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check;
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure

[[ key change, the big finish coming]]
There's not much time, there's too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and
looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell
out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It
was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the
pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you
got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young
boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord
as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord
and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles
and jerks, a little girl in thethird pew leaned toward her mother and
whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally,
his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed
to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by
the door? They're hushers."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page
picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and
asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out, "That's the
flag of our country." "Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the
name of our country?" 'Tis of thee," the girl said
confidently.********

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks
and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the
children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their
room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the
room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who
was that?"***

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to a
restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what
they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and
said, "Just bring them bread and water." One of the little boys
looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"****

A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any
brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."****

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was
like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a
tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We
picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed,
taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know
you sooner!"****

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I
asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.****

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?"
he asked. "I don'tknow," she replied. "I can't read."****

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color
it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun
for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying
sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these
yourself!"***

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming
quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her
grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the
Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"***

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were
ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell
her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou
shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

OFFICE SERENITY PRAYER

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage
to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies
of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off and also,
help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be
connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A company is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs
at different levels, some climbing up.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: If I Had My Life To Live Over.

Something to ponder as we start 1999...

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
by Erma Bombeck

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the
carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried
much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in
the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather
ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up
on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and
sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a
rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not
worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching
television - and more while watching life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried
by my husband.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the
earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the
day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical,
wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished
every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was
the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said,
"Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love yous".. more "I'm
sorrys"...

but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every
minute...look at it and really see it... live it...and never
give it back.

--In memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.

.* . (\ *** /) * . *
. * ( \(_)/ ) * Guardian Angel *
. . (_/ll1\_) . * .
* . /___\ * .. *

Here is an angel sent to watch over you...
Pass this on to the people you want watched over....

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems:
the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed
strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her
through the basics, then came over and printed out a test sheet. It printed
fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the
paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to
WAIT until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.
-------------------------

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for
about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve.
She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly
baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For
instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer
change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers.
Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer
to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try
printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?"

--------------------------

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech
support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."
On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen,
but the computer still couldn't find it!

--------------------------

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows
installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows
disks from work to install them on my home computer." (Training stresses that
we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customerproudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk.
Would you like to initialize it'?"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be
blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A:
drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks
for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
----------------------------

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and
our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class,
she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the
inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately
got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed,
nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding
behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I
typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was
all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them
and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain
myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

------------------------------------------------

I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a
program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it
would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the
"dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot
thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he
was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the
shift key, he thought I was a genius.
-----------------------------------------------------------

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message
every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password
in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
-------------------------------------------------
Email from a friend:
"CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
--------------------------------------------------
Happiness...

We convince ourselves that life will be better after
we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we
are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll
be more content when they are. After that, we're
frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We
will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when
our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a
nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we
retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy
than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be
happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred
D. Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed
to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there
was always some obstacle in the way, something to be
gotten through first, some unfinished business, time
still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life
would begin. At last it dawned on me that these
obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is
no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So,
treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more
because you shared it with someone special, special enough
to spend your time...and remember that time waits
for no one.

So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you
go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you
gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your
kids leave the house, until you start work, until you
retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until
Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a
new car or home, until your car or home is paid off,
until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter,
until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth,
until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until
you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born
again to decide that there is no better time than right
now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Thought for the day:
Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.

----------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Clinton Confession Speech (Only the1st draft)

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her.

I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if
you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my
orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C.I
haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala,
mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs
that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.

Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the
ice water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm
equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI
files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Chinese
wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to
Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed
every ass that entered the Oval Office.

Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I
was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned
out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an
aging Nazi and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport"
who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.

Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought
you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium
drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really
understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost
got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of
governing.

Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution
to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a
little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough
for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling"
shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the
banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The
budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute
to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a
full gram of coke, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who
can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance
cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal
is coming from.

Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my
pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with
your daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles,
and then I'd like to discuss it.

In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life
you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the
Presidential limo. The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets
sucked into a jet engine.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN WASHINGTON (PG 13)
- Submitted by Angela
_____________________________________________
The President absolutely did not engage in any sexual conduct with Miss
Lewinsky and will vigorously defend himself against such claims. However
the President would like to state that it is possible that a perfectly
innocent incident has been twisted by right wing republicans in order to
undermine his administration.

Mr. Clinton has said that there was an occasion when it was necessary
For him to adjust his clothing he noticed with some embarrassment that
his fly was undone. The President said that he unfortunately had some
difficulty with his clothing as his zipper got stuck.

Because Mr. Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands he found
he could not get the zipper up. He therefore, for medical reasons,
was forced to enlist the assistance of one of his staffers, who
was Miss Lewinsky.In the course of assisting Mr. Clinton, Miss Lewinsky
had to kneel in front of him to facilitate the operation of the zipper.

For medical reasons Mr. Clinton has been advised to wear no
undergarments and it so happened, that in their anxiety to end
the embarrassment and rectify the fly problem, that Mr. Clinton's
penis may have fallen out of his trousers.

As Miss Lewinsky was grappling with his fly and felt sure that
she nearly had it, and did not want Mr. Clinton to be seen with
his penis hanging out, she took the presidential penis into her
mouth so that it would not be visible should anyone enter the room.
Mr. Clinton was unable to use his own hands for this purpose as he
was assisting Miss Lewinsky by holding her hair out of her face so
she could properly visualize his fly.

It took some minutes for Miss Lewinsky to fix Mr. Clinton's fly,
and it was during this time that another staff member entered the
room and apparently completely misconstrued the situation. Mr. Clinton
would like to reiterate that there was nothing unusual about his working
relationship with Miss Lewinsky.

He did say however that as he had trouble with his fly on a number of
occasions, necessitating Miss Lewinsky's repeated assistance, he was
considering changing his tailor.
----------------------------------------------

A pastor of one church, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that
ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender
computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two
groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the
second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers
should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender.

They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in
the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred
to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
--------------------------------------------------------
HOW A MAN CAN TELL IF A WOMAN HAS PMS

§¤§*´`*`*§¤§*´`*`*§¤§*´`*`*§¤§*´`* `*§¤§*´

She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof
laughing hysterically while riding a broom.

She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360
degree circles.

She retains more water than Lake Superior.

She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her
semiautomatic and "chambers one."

She buys you a new T-shirt-----with a bulls-eye on the front.

You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she
says,"All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
EVERYTHING?"

She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets,
and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.

§¤§*´`*`*§¤§*´`*`*§¤§*´`*`*§¤§*´`* `*§¤§*´
------------------------------
REASONS SANTA CLAUS MUST BE A WOMAN:

Men can't pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to
be seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described
even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of
jelly".

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's
wearing them.

Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment.
--------------------------------------
Subject: Problem Solved!

The following is a low cost alternative that addresses the Y2K
(Year 2000) issue:

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan,
1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
-----------------------------------

Hi all. Sorry if I included you and you just don't like cats {how can that be?} As always if you want off my contact list, just say so.
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
---------------------------------

You might be a redneck if.....

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.

The duct tape on your car seat sticks to the seat of your jeans when you get out.

Your school dress code contains the line, "Shoes Optional".

You think a night of fine dining is going to the Snack Bar at Wal-Mart.

You think Wal-Mart is expensive.

You have ever written a check for less than a dollar.

It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.

You have all the "Dukes of Hazard" episodes on tape.

It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.

You've ever shoplifted Spam.

Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.

You have a set of 16 matching salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on
the side.
Your name is Billy Joe Jim Bob III.

None of your zippers have all their teeth either.

You use a pig for a garbage disposal.

You can't go to church because your Sunday socks are being used as the
truck's gas cap.

You think the vowels are E..I...E...I...O

You clean out your truck with a leaf blower.

A tornado goes through your trailer park and makes it look neater.

You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.

You think "Roadkill" is another name for dinner

You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a
dictionary.
----------------------------------------

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Bill Gates died and went to stand before God...

God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on
this one It's a tough decision...I'm not sure whether to send you to
Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a
computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that
Windows95, among other things. I believe I'll do something I've never
done before...I'll let YOU decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked at God and replied, "Could you
briefly explain the differences between the two?

God said, "I'll do better than that. I'll let you visit both places
briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you want to visit
first...Heaven or Hell?"

Bill said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of light and
a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful
and clean place...a bit warm...with sandy beaches and tall mountains,
clear skies, pristine water and beautiful women frolicking about. A
smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean
air, "This is great," he thought. "If this is Hell, then I can't wait
to see what Heaven is like."

Within a second of this thought, there was another flash of light and
Bill was in Heaven. Heaven was a palace high in the clouds where angels
were drifting about playing on their harps and singing in a beautiful
chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill cupped his hands, called out his decision to God and Bill Gates was
sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed and God decide to check up on
Bill to see how he was getting along in Hell.

When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave
amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by
demons. "So...how is everything going?" God asked. Bill responded in a
cracking voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This place is
awful! It's NOTHING like the Hell I visited the first time! I can't
believe this is happening! What happened to the other place...with the
beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?"

"That was the demo," replied God
--

[peterosesbookie]

Women waiting for the perfect man.



later

pete

[peterosesbookie]

[peterosesbookie]

[peterosesbookie]

[peterosesbookie]

[peterosesbookie]

[peterosesbookie]

[peterosesbookie]

[peterosesbookie]

[peterosesbookie]

Just in case Batman forgets?




Hmmm... decisions, decisions!




Well, thank goodness!!! Up until now, only 36% of women have been able to find this.





And that means YOU!!!




Hurray!

[peterosesbookie]

Then, how should I get in??? Maybe the exit?



Hope the emergency's not too urgent!



Tasty. Eat here and get gas?

[peterosesbookie]

And you thought that particular personality trait wouldn't look good on your resume...



Hygiene is important.



It's a dream come true.







McDeath?

[Vengeance]

[jkayca2]

Bud and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked
as airplane mechanics in Gander, NFLD. One day the airport was fogged
in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too, Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and
get a buzz. You wanna try it??"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch
and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.

Jim says. "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

"I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

"No, that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah.....well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Toronto!"

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

i've seen al thouse i have hundreds.. will post when i get my own space set up ..

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Originally posted by peterosesbookie

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

[Mac Daddy]

Pete .. Neon ..... man where do you guys come up with this stuff ...

Very kewl . and Very funny ....... thx dudes .. now I have another 2 days of material to read

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Things to do @ Kmart


1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I need some tampons!!"

6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all on and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,"Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

49. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good Bessie."

52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles

53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."

58. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

59. Redress the mannequins as you see fit.

60.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

61.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

62.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 63. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. 64. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

66. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

68. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!

69. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming "

[jkayca2]

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for
6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework,
complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to
television When the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only
one TV between them and ......... there is NO REMOTE The men must shave
their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while
driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00
a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one
marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote themoff the island, based on performance. The last man wins only if
.............. he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a
moment's notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and
over again for the next 18-25 years......... eventually earning the right
to be called "Mother."

One more thing, they cannot kill themselves or the kids, or they automatically get voted off the island.

[Calinerti]

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a "double entendre".

So he gave her one.

[Mac Daddy]

Two good ones

[jkayca2]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, John won the top prize
the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only
been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him
by the ears to make him come."