[Roadee]

I dont normally get into things like this........

But....as a passive observer.....and the fact that a "great man" recently told me that I seem to have an answer for everything!!

I kinda feel....that it really doesn't make any difference who changed it......or why....but the fact still remains that the thread was started by Mac.....it is his thread "idea".......and if he wants it changed back to it's original name and is unable to do it himself.....then someone with the ability to change it should allow him his request.

It isn't like he is asking for much...

So what do you say DH staff.....can you grant Mac his wish during this holliday season......in the spirit of Christmas and all?

[Mac Daddy]

Originally posted by Veridian3
Untrue. You already know that isnt the case



Overreact much?

Now lets forget this name of the thread nonsense and get back to what the thread is meant to be about....JOKES!

Umm sorry bro I disagree on both of your previous comments ......

This thread was improperly renamed . and I wish too add ..
I would like too see a more sober and constructive response from DH staff in the future. ..
Thats All

[jkayca2]

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species
of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are
insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer
which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18 ) in the world. BUT
since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total 378 million according to
the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children
per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least
one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purpose of
our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles
per household, a total trip of 75 1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most
of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,
3,000 times the speed of sound. for purposes of comparison, the
fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second
- a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described
as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300
pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN
TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need
214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh
- to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight
of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a
spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst
into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and
create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be
vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will
be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound
Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of
his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents, he's dead now.

[BiGBrOwNPimpsta]

lol god i understood 1/4 of that and a kid would just start crying when theyd hear the topic

[shortstuff]

[COLOR=blue]If this is a repost sorry. My aunt just sent this to me. I thought it was funny.[/COLOR]

In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside
(the shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how???.......

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(but, it's "just" a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down.
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating.
(...and you thought????....

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body.
(but wouldn't this save me more time)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..
(and...I'm taking this because???....

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only.
(as opposed to.....what)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use.
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts.
(talk about a news flash

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)... in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

[FuzzyBunny]

You should never hold in your farts. They trevil up your spine and go to your brain and thats where all your crapy ideas come from

[Zardon]

Ok, lets not have anymore unpleasantness people. This is a great thread and was started by a guy who just wanted to have something to make people laugh, so ive altered the thread to Mac Daddys joke thread.

Please everyone relax and enjoy this, its meant to be an enjoyable fun thing and if you dont get on with someone then at least try to keep it to yourself, if someone irritates you, then its best to just ignore them, am I right?

I would love everyone to have a great christmas and to just get along with each other, so I hope with this posting the thread will continue along the path it was originally created to be, JOKES !!! I dont want to close the thread, but if any more drama happens in it, it will be closed.

Share the laughter, not the bitterness !

[Vengeance]

wise words!

[jkayca2]

You're right Zardon and in keeping with this thread's theme...

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against
marriage. Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire
Pig, just to get a little sausage.

[Vengeance]

Originally posted by jkayca2
You're right Zardon and in keeping with this thread's theme...

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against
marriage. Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire
Pig, just to get a little sausage.

OMG thats a good one!

[BiGBrOwNPimpsta]

good its back to its rightful creator!

[Roadee]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the
husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when
he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell
would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping
them off because it was making her sick. He told her
he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by
and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing
the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound
asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck gizzard, liver and all the
spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She
took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was
sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,
she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into
his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband
waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by
a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled
on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years
of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty
good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came
downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look
of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked
him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were
right." All these years you have warned me and I
didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his
wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would
end up farting my guts out, and today it finally
happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and
these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[BiGBrOwNPimpsta]

nasty nasty!

[Vengeance]

OMG

[Mac Daddy]

I agree with Zardon (and a big Irish style hug for ya brother !!)
On June 3rd, 2003 at 10:49pm EST I started this thread. I never expected it to become this popular.
(I'm not starting any lists Kinetic LOL )

That means this thread has been active and in and out of the front page of off topic for 7 months.
Thats gotta be some kind of record for DH !!

I would at this point in time like to thank all the peeps who have made this thread fun including:
Pete, Neon, Jkay, Kinetic and so many others .. THX Guys and THX to the staff of DH for being so considerate

[color=green]Seasons greetings to all of you from The Daddy !![/color]

Now back to jokes ............

I originally posted this [color=red]HERE[/color]
**For a second time I wish to warn our younger viewers of the language content**


Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Everybody felt shitty,
Even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse,
Dad smokin grass,
I just settled down,
For a nice piece of ASS.

When out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece,
Too see what was a matter.

When out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick,
I knew then,
It must be St. Nick.

He came down the chimney,
Like a bat out of hell,
Right then and there I knew,
The fucker had fell.

He filled all our stockings,
With pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick,
For my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney,
With a thunderous fart,
The son of a bitch,
Blew the chimney apart.

He cursed and swore,
As he rode out of sight,
A piss on you all,
And to hell your good night ........

[jkayca2]

Kudos for the Kudos MacDaddy. I heard somewhere that you're a Leaf fan so I couldn't resist posting this one


A Vancouverite walks into a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Leafs joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm from Toronto. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's from Toronto. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's from Toronto too. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."


Four hockey fans are climbing a mountain together, one is a Detroit fan, one is a Edmonton fan, one is a Toronto fan and one is a Calgary fan. As they climb, they argue about whose team is the best and who is the biggest fan. When they get to the top of the mountain, the Detroit fan says that he will prove that he's the biggest fan, so he runs and jumps off the side of the mountain, shouting "This is for the Red Wings!" as he falls. Not to be outdone, the Edmonton fan follows suit, yelling "This is for the oil!" as he falls. After the Edmonton fan has become silenced, the Toronto and the Calgary fan glare at each other. Then the Calgary fan pushes the Toronto fan off the side of the mountain, proclaiming "this is for the good of hockey fans everywhere!"

[Mac Daddy]

Thats a good one Jkay .. and TY for the KUDOS .. And those are returned
Best of the holidays too ya .. from Dave

I'm actually a big Boston Bruins fan(Renegade don't hate me LOL !!)
Go HABS !!!!

My brother is the TO fan .. My singer is an Ottawa fan("CHOKE")
Now thats a good joke if I ever heard one ..

[Mac Daddy]

Originally posted by tastyweat
How do kids at Neverland know when it is time to go to bed?

--- When the big hand touches the little hand

[tastyweat]

[Mac Daddy]

Another one for Micheal LOL !!!

Originally posted by ^_^
Why did Michael Jackson call boys 2 men?




He thought it was a delivery service.

[Calinerti]

A young man called Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart
Ciara as they had not been together for very long and he wanted to surprise
her. After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would
strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sister he went to Arnotts and bought a dainty pair of
white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the
same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items
and the sister got the gloves and Ciara got the panties. Without checking
the contents Fergus sealed the package (with a kiss) and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note:

"Dear Ciara,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for my sister I would
have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that
are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought
them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and
she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She
also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact
she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I
were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When
you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as
they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many
times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will
wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love - Fergus
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."

[Calinerti]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other
to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow
drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.


A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for
lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of
vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others
for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.


A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

[Mac Daddy]

Nice Cal ..
Thank you making me laugh after such a long day

[Man the thread that never dies LOL]

[peterosesbookie]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her.......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

[Mac Daddy]

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

Nice punchline ... hope the Holiday season was kind to ya Pete and all the best of the New Year

[Roadee]

wonder if my sniper rifle can do that......DOH!!

[jkayca2]

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll
always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt
(my
back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles
high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft
as we
entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us,
they did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots"
Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120
knots," Center
answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day
as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52
requests
ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response,
"525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.

As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a
familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It
was at that precise
moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both
thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout
for us?" There
was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's
about 2004.658 mph who don't know)

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
--------------------------------------------------
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller,
with some
disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000
feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go
up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
-------------------------------------
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He
placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,
"Do you know what
I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot
responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart
table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator
replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

--------------------------------------------
When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk
helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign
"broomstick one". And
they say the Army has no sense of humor!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta
351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out,
turned around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian
intheMD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did
you make it all by
yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and
I'll have enough
parts for another one."
--------------------------------------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit
peaked." Air Traffic Control told
the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52that had one
engine shut down.

"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
----------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
--------------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the
problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
--------------------------------------------------
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

[UncleBob]

There's this Farmer, Called Giles who is mad about tractors. His fields are loving plowed by a fleet of 3 brand new ones. He has cut his fields into the shape of one and his home is a shrine to Massey Furgeson.

Every day Giles and Shep, his trusty and well loved sheep dog, go to the local pub for a few pints. (Yep, in the tractor). Now this pub is small, and extremely smokey. Everyone there smokes like a chimney and Giles has got used to it. He goes to the pub and has his drinks.. goes home, dreams of tractors and ploughs the fields with a smile on his face. He is living his dream.

Anyway, this one evening he has a few pints too many. Accidentally, he rolls over his dog Shep in his polished tractor.

It's sheer stupidity. He's devastated..

That night his dreams are awful, he dreams of his poor dog, caught in the treads of his tractor. He wakes and decides to jack it in.

He spends the next 2 days removing all traces of tractors and mourning the poor dog.

After the work is done, he goes to the pub. (walking this time).

He opens the door, and with an almightly gust of wind all the smoke is cleared in seconds.

The barman looks at him:

"How on Earth did you do that" he asks.

"Oh, I'm an ex-tractor fan"...

[Mac Daddy]

OMG .. thanks Jkay

Unky Bob .. nice to see ya here .. Man last time I heard from you was when I nearly deafened you and Shuki on "Teamspeak"

[UncleBob]

Originally posted by Mac Daddy
Man last time I heard from you was when I nearly deafened you and Shuki on "Teamspeak"

Hehehe! Still recovering!

Whats Green and smells?

Kermits arse...