[jkayca2]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day
by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he
arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him
home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past
the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he
thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm
lost and need directions."

[GutterPunk]

HAHAHAHAHAHA

[jkayca2]

During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting
attorney called his first witness to the stand.
She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth, so help her God.

The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type,
well spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the
woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about
them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you
haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes.
Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors'
faces,not to mention the court reporter who documented every word.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a bad drinking problem. The
man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated
on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward
in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered
throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called
both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either
of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."

[GutterPunk]

HAHAHAHAHA good one

[MIG-31]

this was sent to me via email

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play

> > together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a

bog

> > and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the

> > chicken to go get the farmer for help!

> >

> > Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he

> > searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had

> > gone to

town

> > with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the

farmer's

> > new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off

with a

> > length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

> >

> > Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the

> > chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the

> > loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to

> > the

rear

> > bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward

and,

> > with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

> >

> > Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse,

and

> > the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship

between

> > the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

> >

> > A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he

too,

> > began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse

> > thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

> >

> > Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he

> > would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and

> > the

horse

> > pulled him up and out, saving his life.

> >

> > The moral of the story?

> >

> > When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up

chicks.

[jkayca2]

That was really, really, bad. Perfect for this thread.

[jkayca2]

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City
to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to
his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats,why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask
the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your
mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out
ontime. Now your mother can explain that to you."

[tastyweat]

Originally posted by johnybravo
this was sent to me via email

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play

> > together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a

bog

> > and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the

> > chicken to go get the farmer for help!

> >

> > Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he

> > searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had

> > gone to

town

> > with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the

farmer's

> > new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off

with a

> > length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

> >

> > Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the

> > chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the

> > loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to

> > the

rear

> > bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward

and,

> > with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

> >

> > Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse,

and

> > the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship

between

> > the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

> >

> > A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he

too,

> > began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse

> > thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

> >

> > Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he

> > would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and

> > the

horse

> > pulled him up and out, saving his life.

> >

> > The moral of the story?

> >

> > When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up

chicks.

lmao!!!

[Markius]

that was great JB

heres a few more bad ones.....

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it



there are alot worse than that but i cant post them here!

[jkayca2]

Those were great! For some reason #1 tickled my funny bone immensely.

[HsuGotaQ]

Mastercard Commercial for Men

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00

Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: PRICELESS!!!

Some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MasterCard!

Mastercard Commercial for Men

... from our good old pal Mac Daddy

[BiGBrOwNPimpsta]

here's a quote from mIRC, 2 people chatting

<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)
<anamexis> :<

lol and why isnt the thread stickied anymore? at one point it was under my named and stickied lol. just cause mac daddy's gone doesnt mean it shouldnt be stickied! change the thread name and sticky it again!

[MIG-31]

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

> The

toy

> laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

>

> A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports

> for her first day promptly at 0800.

>

> The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

> The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to

> rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow

> and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line

> behind schedule.

>

> The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2

> men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is

> so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory

> floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line

> stands the new

employee

> surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

>

> She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

> The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,

> wraps

it

> around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package

> between Elmo's legs.

>

> The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of

> hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

>

> "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but

> I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"......

> . .

> .

> .

> .

> .Wait for it......

> .

> .

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> .

> .

> .

> "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles". !!!

[BiGBrOwNPimpsta]

A blonde who’s having financial troubles decides to kidnap a child for ransom. She writes on a piece of paper: “I’ve kidnapped your son. Leave $10,000 behind the oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. The Blonde.” She walks over to the park, grabs a little boy, pins the note to his jacket, and tells him to run home.

The next morning, the blonde goes back to the park, where she sees the boy standing behind the oak tree.

“I’m supposed to give you this,” he says, handing her a brown bag. As she counts the money, she notices a new note pinned to his jacket: “For the record, I can’t believe that one blonde would do this to another.”

[Callandor]

Originally Posted by Solid Snake

...and why isnt the thread stickied anymore? at one point it was under my named and stickied lol. just cause mac daddy's gone doesnt mean it shouldnt be stickied! change the thread name and sticky it again!

Been going thru this thread for the past few weeks and I couldn't agree more!!! It's friggin hillarious!!

Here's a short but rather funny one.

A hobo walks into a bar, asks for a straw, 2nd hobo does the same. When the third hobo comes in the Bartender asks "What do you all want straws for?" Hobo replies ............................................"Some dude puked on the street!!"

Edit: ok, it's a lame joke, I know. I was just a little bored, and so I just put it up.

[Shadow Lady]

yeah and u also revived a long dead threead, not that it wasnt worthy

[Dyre Straits]

[color=white](Here's another effort to revive this thread. )[/color]
[color=white][/color]
[color=white]The Ranch Hand

------------------------------------------------------------

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the news paper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job.

One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However, one o'clock came and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots.."

He did so, slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He did.

"Now take off my skirt."

He did.

"Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."[/color]

[digerati]

"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." Brief pause.

Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."

"Uh, OK then...." Daddy says, "... here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"OK, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back
to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of the bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell downstairs and she's not moving anymore."

"I'm sorry you had to see that, honey. What about 'Uncle Frank'?"

"He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water for Winter, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either." Long pause.

Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 597-7039?!"

[digerati]

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde said, "Easter is
a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St.Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said,"Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St.Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."

She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him and hung him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

[digerati]

So there is this ghost convention every year for people that are ghost fanatics. 100 people show up at the convention, and they are all told to sit down because the convention was starting. The head of the ghost convention stands at the podium and asks the audience, "How many of you have ever seen a ghost?" And everyone in the audience raises their hands.

Then he asks, "How many of you have ever talked to a ghost? And half the crowd raises their hands. And then the leader asks, "how many of you have ever had sex with a ghost?" And one guys raises his hand. The leader says "You've had sex with a ghost!?" And the guys says, "A ghost? ooh, i thought you said Goat"

[digerati]

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[niceguyrichy]

[color=#ff0000]

I got a new car stereo yesterday and it is terrific.[/color]

[color=#008000]If I say "Rock" it plays rock and roll.[/color][color=#800080]

If I say "Rap" it plays rap.[/color][color=#0000ff]

If I say "Love" it plays love songs.[/color]



Three kids ran out in front of the car

and I said

[color=#800000]

[/color][color=red]"Fu[/color][color=red]*king kids!"[/color]

[color=#ff0000]

And it played Michael Jackson.

[/color]