[Louie6666]

Originally posted by Mac Daddy
Thanks for your consideration BUD

I'll patiently await your posting of more jokes .....

Glad you like the thread ........ I'm certainly enjoying it .....
What better way to start your Monday ..... than reading a few jokes before work

Not to mention You Still owe my dog fuck money (six months later)


Don't you think it really annoying when you think of something funny to say get interupted whilst working & clean forget what you were on about..DOH........

[Mac Daddy]

Originally posted by Louie6666
Not to mention You Still owe my dog fuck money (six months later)

Man I sent cheques ............... Didn't you get them Mate

I thought the fuck money issue was cleared up

Get your people to talk to my people

Nice to see ya postin M8ty

[jkayca2]

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stonewall, holding
hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat
silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for
your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's about time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin.......perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee
cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then
he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin...perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on
your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and poot it on her knee. Then he
blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit
more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with
anticipation. "Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.

"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[Roadee]

A burglar broke into a home and had been rummaging around for about ten minutes in the dark. All of a sudden there came this voice out of the dark telling him, "Jesus is watching you!" The burglar looks around in the dark and doesn't see anything, so he keeps on pilfering. Again, "Jesus is watching you!" Well, this goes on for awhile and nothing happens. Finally, the voice gets rally loud, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" He can't take any more, so he turns on his flashlight and sweeps it around the room. It lands on a fucking parrot. The burglar chuckles and asks him, "Are you Jesus?" The parrot tells him, "No. My name is Melvin. Jesus is the big fucking Rottweiler behind you!"

[jkayca2]

These questions about Canada. The email I got them in claimed they were posted on an International website.

1. Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


2. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


3. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. . .


4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.


5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.


6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?


7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.


8. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. . . oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


11. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.



12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?


14. Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


15. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.


16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.


17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.


18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


19. Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first

[Mac Daddy]

I'm not a racist ...... But racial jokes are sometimes fun ....

For instance:

I'm Scotch/Irish Canadian ....... GOT BEER ?? (ducking Got admin avatar :lol)

Q: How do you seperate a Irish Priest and an Altar Boy ???
A: A crowbar

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with M&M's ??
A: A cock that melts in your mouth ..... Not in your hands

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pig and a Packy ???
A: Nothing ..... Pigs won't fuck packy's !!!

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ????
A: 100 ....... 1 to change it and 99 to sit and brag about how they could of done it better !!

Q: How do you babysit a black kid ??
A: Lick his lips and stick him to the wall !!

Q: What do you get when you cross Rosanne Barr with a Rabbit ??????
A: A two ton whore that will fuck for peanuts !!!!!

Q: Whats the difference between a brown-noser and a shit -head ?????
A: Depth perception !!!!

Q: Whats the difference between a black man and a snow tire ????
A: Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them !!

Q: What do Politicians and KD Lang have in common ?????
A: They both don't do DICK !!!!

Q: Why did they bury Liberacy with his ASS sticking out of the ground ??
A: So his friends could POP in for a cold one !!!

Q: (Dennis Miller) NRA Slogan " You can pry that rifle out of my cold dead hands"
A: (Dennis Miller) "RIGHT !!!!!!!"

Q: What do you call a lesbian mariiage ??
A: Seafood Heaven !!!

Q: Would Mac Daddy prefer Driverheaven or Seafood Heaven ????
A: Let me check my schedule

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Originally posted by Louie6666
Not to mention You Still owe my dog fuck money (six months later)


Don't you think it really annoying when you think of something funny to say get interupted whilst working & clean forget what you were on about..DOH........

Originally posted by Mac Daddy
Man I sent cheques ............... Didn't you get them Mate

I thought the fuck money issue was cleared up

Get your people to talk to my people

Nice to see ya postin M8ty

his mom or a real dog? earher way ewwww

[Mac Daddy]

Hee Hee ......... It's an inside joke .. the result of which resides in the Hall of Flame for Louie

I had great expectations for my last post ......... then ran into a complete memory block

Oh well !!!

[jkayca2]

At a retirement center, a group of seniors were sitting around talking
about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said
one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see
my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so
crippled," volunteered another.

An elderly lady across the room shouted, "What? Speak up! What? I can't
hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth
person, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"Sometimes I forget where I am and other times I forget where I'm
going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as
he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one old woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can all still drive!"

[Vengeance]

YOU'RE GONNA HATE FRIDAYS






One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was
wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with the Devil.

The devil asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the devil said. "We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays
then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We
drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the devil asked. "You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie.
You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The devil continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a
matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't
mean real drugs, do you?.

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation,
"I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The devil said, "You gay?" "No." The guy says

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

[fornicatarachnid]

An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast he stopped in a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way to get to Belfast?"
The Irishman asked, " Are you walking or driving?"
The Australian replied, "I'm driving".
"Aye" said the Irishman, "That'd be the quickest way"

[Mac Daddy]

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around
a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked one of
the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said
nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on
for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody
who can.

"I can do that!" Ed said confidently.
"No you can't," said Ted.
"I sure as hell can!" said Ed.

"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Ted.
"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in
circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the
machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But
when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back
acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell did
you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Ted asked.

"Remember three months ago," Ed said...
"When my wife had whooping cough...?"

.................................................. .................................................. ..............................


Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the
language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from
him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup
truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to
work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar
in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn
country."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently
toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

.................................................. .................................................. .......

You just might be a Redneck if:

You've ever tried to drown a fish.
You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of
nature.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War
general.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports
event.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

[Mac Daddy]

The Origin of Chapstick

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local
sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily
dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the
sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to then back of his horse, lifted its tail,
and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's
tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the
saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em!

.................................................. .................................................. .............

After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her
to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the
Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, "Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate
it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!"

The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good
gawddamn sermon!"

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at
Church"!

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought
it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!"

And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?!"

.................................................. ..........................................

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five
years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel
drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of
drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final
words were -
"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

[jkayca2]

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a " professional. " Scroll down for each
answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?























The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things
in an overly complicated way.





2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
















Did you say, " Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close
the refrigerator? " (Wrong Answer)Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator,
take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.This tests
your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous
actions.













3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
















Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You
just put him in there.This tests your memory.OK, even if you did not
answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more
chance to show your true abilities.

















4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles.
How do you manage it?














Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the
Animal Meeting.This tests whether you learn quickly from your
mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers
got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively
disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four
year old.

[jkayca2]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence AND LOSE, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Apparently us men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[jkayca2]

A lady walks into the welfare office,
trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are
they ALL YOURS???"

"Yes, they're all mine," the tired momma
sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you
must be here to sign up. I'll need all their names."

"This one is my oldest--he's Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one's Leroy, also." The social worker raises an
eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
oldest four, all boys,
all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the
eldest girl, also named Leroy!

"All right...I'm seeing a pattern
here...Are they ALL named Leroy?"

"Well, yes--it's actually really
convenient. When it's time for
dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come
running. And if I need to
stop the kid who's running into the street, I
just yell 'Leroy' and the
kid, whoever he is, stops in his tracks. It's
the smartest idea I ever
had, naming them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a
bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you
just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Ah, that's easy," said the mother "Then
I call them by their last name."

[Bada-Bing]

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies.
He says, "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
He sticks his finger into the dead man's asshole, then licks it, and then asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. Slowly, one by one, they do it.
Then he says, "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation. I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's asshole, but I licked my index finger."

[peterosesbookie]

THE JUGGLER:

A Greene County Deputy pulled a car over on I-65 about 52 miles north of the
Missouri State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding,
the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and he was on his way
to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver
would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead
and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some
flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them
and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad
car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly; he then went
over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.

The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in
hell I can pass that test!"

[peterosesbookie]

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened
from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here
in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think
you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and NOTHING HURTS."

[peterosesbookie]

There was this old couple, the husband 89 and the wife 88, both old and feeble were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. They both went to the same hotel in las vegas that they spent the night of their honeymoon so long ago. First the wife had the great idea that lets make love like we used to. So the wife trots off to the shower, while this was going the husband is slowly getting undressed. After about 10-15 minutes, she comes out all refreshed from the drive to vegas. The husband trots off to take a shower. While he is taking a shower she gets all limbered for the ride of her life when suddenly she was stuck on her right side with her left leg up and bent at the knee facing the doorway to the shower in raging pain. Then the husband walks out the shower and states:

"If were are going to do this would you please put you teeth in and comb your hair."

[Mac Daddy]

Well this will be the 200th post on this thread .........
Now is this fun or what ?????????????

Here's some random silllyness .............


Genie in a bottle

There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you 3 wishes."

The man said, "No Shit!"

Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass.



Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”


A trucker picks up a hitchhiker...

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.

After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that?" said the trucker.

The man said, "Yeah."

The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"

The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

[tragic]

language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine- "la maison."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model!

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

SHOOTING BLANKS

(11 March 2003, Spain) Early one morning, police received a call warning that three robbers had invaded the bar of a Madrid brothel. The police dispatched several units, and confirmed that the call was true. Officers surrounded the building, and used a bullhorn to coax the offenders from the premises.
The robbers, understandably frightened, found themselves in an untenable situation inside a building surrounded by dozens of policemen. Their subsequent actions may have been influenced by the ready availability of alcohol. Instead of surrendering, they decided to go out in a blaze of glory, and tried to escape while shooting at everything in sight.

The policemen ducked, covered, and proceeded to shoot back at the running robbers. Two were fatally injured, and the third was wounded in his right leg.

Why was the gunfight over so quickly? The three robbers were carrying REAL guns loaded with FAKE ammunition. They were firing blanks, making enough sound and light to fool the police into shooting back, but not enough to actually help them escape.

-----------------

cock fight

12 January 2003, Philippines) Cockfighting is a popular gambling sport in the Philippines. Roosters are aggressive creatures that fight one another in the wild to establish a "pecking order." When their natural arsenals of claws and beaks are supplemented with sharp steel spurs, these feathered animals are transformed into deadly weapons. A trained rooster is an extremely vicious creature.
Usually the fury of an enraged rooster is directed against another rooster in an arena surrounded by avid spectators. But at a recent match in Zamboanga, a cock owner was the target of his own bird. He had just strapped razor-sharp gaffs onto its legs when he lost control of the animal. The bird turned on him, and in "one rapid shuffle," its gaffs sliced through major arteries in his thigh and groin.

Despite routinely handling razor-wielding roosters, the man was not wearing protective clothing. He bled to death en route to the hospital.

-----------------

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Daredevil

(29 September 2002, United Kingdom) The Parisian Yamakasi craze, a building-jumping fad inspired by wire stunts in action films, has been likened to a martial art by its practitioners. This urban "art form" was the inspiration for a television advertisement wherein an office worker travels home by leaping between buildings, over fences, and around antenna.

Sometimes life imitates art.

Marc, 22, decided to engage in a spot of building jumping during his free time. However, this Darwin Award Nominee failed to take into account the fact that he was not a highly trained gymnast, and could not clear the gap between two multi-story car parks in Maidenhead. He also failed to consider the result of a body hitting concrete from a height of 40 feet.

He jumped the gap once, then he and his freinds went to a pub. Afterwards, they returned to the car park and he tried it again... landed... wobbled... and fell backwards to his death.

His friend said, "We just did stupid stuff when we were bored, like finding gaps to jump." The result was inevitable...

----------------
Wrong and Wronger

(29 July 2002, Ukraine) Late one night, the inhabitants of Yuvieyna village, a suburb of Lugansk, awoke to a loud explosion. Not long before the explosion, a 40-year-old deputy of the local administration board had taken his dog out for a walk. He encountered a Police Academy cadet who was escorting two women to their homes.
The cadet pointed out that the deputy's dog was not allowed on a public street without a lead and muzzle. Now, only an exceedingly bold cadet would be presumptuous enough to tell a village deputy what to do, so the two men began to argue. Unable to resolve the matter by verbal means, the deputy finally pulled out a military RGD-5 hand grenade and threw it to the cadet's feet. His well-trained dog immediately ran for the object and fetched it for his master... and man and dog met the same messy fate.

Police are investigating how the deputy came to have a grenade in a country where citizens are forbidden to carry arms, let alone military ordinance.

--------------------

The Worm Has Turned

(October 2002, Norway) It's a well-known fishing trick. Put 12V electrodes into the ground if you want worms come to the surface. One 23-year-old Laagendalsposten man withdrew his genes form the pool when he tried to speed up the process. He figured that 220V, 50Hz, would bring more worms out faster, and he decided to test his theory. Alas, he did so squatting on a steel bucket, holding an electrode in one hand with the other in the ground a few feet. He seemed determined to enter the eternal fishing grounds. Quicker than spit, that wish was granted. Our Darwin winner leaves only parents -- and no offspring -- back by the earthly creek.


-----------------------
Bees 1, Humans 0


(23 September 2002, Brazil) A farm keeper from São Paulo decided to remove a beehive from his orange tree. He didn't know exactly how to proceed, but he knew the hive should be burned, and he knew bees sting. So he protected his head with a plastic bag sealed tightly around his neck, grabbed a torch, and went off to fight the bees.
His worried wife went to look for him a few hours later, and found him dead. However, it wasn't the bees that killed him. The plastic bag had protected him from smoke, stingers, and... oxygen! He had forgotten to put breathing holes in the bag.

-----------------------------
Border Crossing

(March 2002, Hungary) Because of the threat of nuclear smugglers from ex-USSR countries, Hungarian border guards working the Ukraine border are responsible for more than passport control. Even the smallest border stations have Geiger-Muller detector gates, which resemble empty doorframes like the metal detectors at airports. But instead of metal, they detect radioactive materials.
A man with a backpack arrived at the border. He seemed a bit dizzy, maybe drunk, but vodka is cheap in the Ukraine and drunken men are common in this area. The man was instructed to pass through the Geiger-Muller detector gate. Although he seemed a bit anxious, finally he obeyed -- and the gate signalled an urgent alert. One glance at the dosimeter, and people were running for their lives. The man was hot!

The Hungarian army dispatched an ABC (Atomic-Biological-Chemical) reconnaissance vehicle to investigate and decontaminate the scene. The soldiers found the man sprawled facedown, dead, a few steps away from the gate. They turned the body over and found a large wound burnt into his stomach. The moron had taped a chunk of a radioactive substance to his body!

They found a discarded nuclear waste canister on the Ukrainian side of the border. If the man hadn't removed the contents and hidden it under his clothing, neither the gate nor the border guards would have spotted what he was carrying. He would still be alive today, but perhaps others would not.

---------------------------
Slip Sliding Away

(8 September 2002, Italy) "Hey watch this!" A 53-year-old Glasgow man, attempting what police describe as a bizarre stunt, attached a climber's snap hook to an unused overhead tram cable and attempted to manually ride down the mountain. But the mountain was steep, gravity was constant, and he was unable to moderate his rate of descent. He accelerated out of control, and within seconds crashed against the rocks, and proceeded to bash his way 200 meters down the slope before impacting a pylon. Reports state that several people attempted to stop him from riding down the cable. He should have listened to their advice. When he came to rest, he was DOA.


--------------
Booby Traps Trap Boob

(November 2002, Belgium) A retired engineer booby-trapped his home with the intention of killing his estranged family, but died himself after inadvertently triggering one of his own devices.
At first, police assumed that the 79-year-old had committed suicide, as he was found alone with a bullet wound in his neck. Then a detective missed a bullet by inches when he opened a booby-trapped wooden chest. Police beat a hasty retreat from the property and called in military experts.

They deciphered an enigmatic series of scribbled clues to locate 19 death traps in walls, ceilings, and household objects. A pile of booby-trapped dinner plates was revealed by the clue, "Cheaper by the Dozen," a reference to a film in which a child throws a plate at someone's head. Police speculate that the the notes were intended to assist his failing memory.

Other traps included numerous concealed shotguns triggered by threads, and an exploding crate of beer set to detonate once a certain number of bottles were rmoved. It took three weeks to crack 19 of the 20 clues, and experts were forced to admit defeat on the final note: "The 12 Apostles are ready to work on the pebbles." Said one, "We have never come across anything like it before. It was all fiendishly clever."

True to form, the "fiendishly clever" but careless Darwin Award winner was described by neighbors as a taciturn but harmless man who enjoyed puttering in his garage. But relatives say he never forgave his wife for divorcing him twenty years before. Police believe he bagan installing the traps for four years, after losing a lengthy battle to keep his home.

----------------------------

What's That Sound?

(2 August 2002, Kansas) Police said an Olathe man was struck and killed by a train after his vehicle broke down on Interstate 35. His attempts at repairing his car had failed, and he had stepped away from the busy freeway to call for help, when the train engineer spotted him standing on the tracks. The engineer said the man was holding a cell phone to one ear, and cupping his hand to the other ear to block the noise of the train.


----------------------------
Tied Off


(Iowa) Several years ago, an adventurous pair decided to take their ropes and rappel off the Boone Scenic Valley Railroad train over the Des Moines river. Words can't describe how breathtakingly high this narrow train bridge is over the river valley. The open train ride over the abyss is both stunningly beautiful and somewhat nerve-wracking.
Our adventurers had to be completely fearless, because they walked to the middle of this narrow railroad bridge, tied off their ropes, and began to rappel down. When the train came by on it's daily tour of the valley, their one mistake became apparent. They had tied the ropes to the sturdiest support possible: the steel train tracks...



----------------------------------
Romanian Trains

(July 2002, Romania) Forget posted train schedules! Like an American Indian listening for horses in an old Western, a Romanian man placed his ear against the tracks to listen for the arrival of a train scheduled to stop at his station. Instead, the 46-year-old man was hit by an express train, and died instantly from head trauma.
Apparently it's true that you don't hear the bullet that hits you!

[Mac Daddy]

I liked your girl farts video Wildchild

Here's another funny one LOL(click here)

Let's keep tham all funny .........
As the thread starter ......... Violence is not funny

[WildChild]

It wasnt the violence i found halarious it was the guy just steady tryin then the police driving right on by like nothin happened....wasnt meant to be looked at as a violent video....lol...sorry




My Rig:
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GA-7N400 Pro Modded F9 Bios
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ATI Radeon 9800 Pro 128 MB
Audigy 2
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[Mac Daddy]

Hey Wildchild .......... NP buddy .......
Thanks for sharing .........

But sometimes subjects are a little to vivid .........
Ask Patricia ......... we have both suffered from violence ......

I hope you share more on this thread ...... thanks for your consideration of DH ....... and my thread ....

Your right on my BROTHER

[Mac Daddy]

This is a joke thread ........ and was meant to be fun ............

At 35 I'm sure I have experienced some things in life as well .....

I'm done with this subject .........

Lets keep it that way ....... PLEASE

thx

[WildChild]

lol nothing meant by my last post ....sheesh...lmao anyway i took the link offa the post....no worries




My Rig:
AMD 3000+ Barton 2.17 GHz
500 Watt PSU
Vantec Aeroflow TMD cooled
1.5GB Samsung DDR 400
GA-7N400 Pro Modded F9 Bios
2 ATA 133 Maxtor Diamond (Raid 0)
ATI Radeon 9800 Pro 128 MB
Audigy 2
Logitech Z-640 5.1
TDK Indigo DVD Burner
Pioneer DVD Front loader
ImageQuest L70a Digital/Analog Monitor

[WildChild]

Links removed ...sorry



My Rig:
AMD 3000+ Barton 2.17 GHz
500 Watt PSU
Vantec Aeroflow TMD cooled
1.5GB Samsung DDR 400
GA-7N400 Pro Modded F9 Bios
2 ATA 133 Maxtor Diamond (Raid 0)
ATI Radeon 9800 Pro 128 MB
Audigy 2
Logitech Z-640 5.1
TDK Indigo DVD Burner
Pioneer DVD Front loader
ImageQuest L70a Digital/Analog Monitor