[tek]

LMAO

Keep em coming Neon Cowboy

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Good things about being in prison


You can rape people of the same sex and nothing will happen.

- Meet exotic people, foreigners, other cultures, new religions, the world starts at your front door.

- No dog shit on your street, or even in your neigbourhood.

- You know what your neighbours did last summer.

- Shops, bar, restaurant, movies, library, barber, fitness at walking distance.

- No Jehova's witnesses ringing at your door.

- You don't have to worry about bills for rent, electricity, gas, cable...

- No parking problems, when visiting the local library.

- You don't have to worry about the weather.

- Free meals delivered to your room.

- You don't have to struggle anymore with your sexual identityproblem.

- No nagging wife.

- You have people to pick up the soap for you.

- No need for shouting "Lock that door!!"

- No Christmas present rush

- No problem about what to wear

- No worries about where you left your keys

- Don't have to visit your parents in-law

- You can't forget to turn off the lights.

- You can catch-up with all the episodes you missed of Bold and the Beautiful.

- You don't need an answering service to pick up your phone.

- You can do 2 years with one pair of shoes.



************************


Actual Newspaper Headlines


- Firefighters help burn victims

- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

- Stud Tires Out

- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

- Eye Drops Off Shelf

- Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

- Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

- Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

- Police begin campaign to rundown jaywalkers

- Survivor of siamese twins joins parents

- Prostitues appeal to pope

- Panda mating fails; Vet takes over

- Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

- Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead

- Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

- Miners refuse to work after death

- Juevenile court to try shooting defendant

- Two soviet ships collide, one dies

- Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter

- If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

- Cold wave linked to temperatures

- Red tape holds up new bridge

- Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead

- Man struck by lightning faces battery charges

- Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft

- Chef throws his heart into helping feed needy

- Air head fired

- Steals clock, faces time

- Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors

- Some pieces of Rock Hudson sold at auction

- Sex education delayed, teachers request training

- Homosexual loses boy scout suit

- Arson suspect is held in fire

- Milk drinkers turn to powder

***************

Signs that you're a weird person

- You smoke cat litter.

- When you try to pick up a girl, you say her womb is perfect for your demonic seed.

- You think Bill Gates should be elected for president.

- When faced with confrontation, you lie naked on the floor, masturbating in a pile of your own faeces.

- You collect the lint out of your belly button.

- You've just been killed for the 32nd time, and somehow you didn't manage to stay dead...

- Your favorite Prime Time movie is the American Broadcasting System.

- You're having a relationship with Leonardo DiCaprio and Britney Spears at the same time.

- You spark a match to find the petrol leak under your car...

- You wake up one morning with a hard-on only to think you've grown an extra leg.

- You comb your tongue every morning.

- You've appeared in a John Waters movie.

- You found a tattoo of the number 666 on your head.

- After watching the movie Amityville, you begin looking for a passage to hell in your own basement.

- When you hear voices in your head....you hear a different voice answer.

- You wear your mom's dead poodle for a hat, who needs a perm.

- You think you can make the walls bleed.

- Richard Simmons is a fan of you.

- The X-Files make a special episode about your life.

- You eat chickenheads for breakfast

- You have an enormous dislike of garlic and crosses

- You listen to your collection of Jantje Smit albums backwards to hear the hidden Satanic messages.

- You are planning to sacrifice your first born child.

- You call your car "The Kiss of Satan", and you kiss a lot of pedestrians.

- Your favorite humor movie : The Exorcist.

- You're a fan of Richard Simmons.


********************

Confucius says...


- Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

- Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

- Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

- Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.

- Man who run behind car get exhausted.

- A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

- Man is young when he snatches kisses,
old when he kisses snatches.

- Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house.

- Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole.

- Sailor who get discharge from Navy leave buddies behind.

- Woman who sleep with judge get honorable discharge.

- Man have more hair on chest than woman,
but on whole woman have more.

- Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary.

- Man who lays woman on hill not on level.

- Seven day honeymoon make hole weak.

- Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

- Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

- Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

- Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.

- Man who fight with wife all day, get no peace at night.

- Virginity like balloon...one prick, all gone.

- Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

- Baseball all wrong...man with four balls can't walk.

- Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

- Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

- Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

- Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

- Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

- Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

- He who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger.

- He who pees in wind gets wet.

- Man who run in front of car get tired.

- To prevent hangover stay drunk!

- Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.

- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

- Man who walk thru airport turnstyle sideways going to BANGkok.

- Woman who eat banana get cream in mouth.

- Man trapped in whore house get jerked around.

- Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

- Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.

- Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.

- Man who puts rooster in ice box take out stiff cock.

- Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!

- War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

- Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.

- Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next spring.

- People who make Confucious joke speak bad English.

- All blonde not blonde by cracky

- Blonde who fly upside down have crack up.

- Boy fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed.

- Chemist who fall in acid get absorbed in work.

- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

- Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

- Girl who douches with vinegar, walks around with sour pussy.

- Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.

- Girl with back to fire warming whole of her body.

- He who eats ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver

- He who keeps both feet planted firmly on ground, have trouble getting pants off.

- He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.

- He who puts face in punch bowl get punch in nose.

- If you turn an oriental around, he become disoriented.

- Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!

- It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

- It's OK to meet girl in park, much better to park meat in girl!

- Keeping it in family sure sound incestuous.

- Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.

- Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting image of father.

- Man who masturbate only screwing himself

- Man who read woman like book, prefer braille!

- Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

- Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

- Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

- Woman with cold hands have fire under skirt.

- Man with diarrhea in Las Vegas likes craps.

- Woman who say she's dating lawyer is blowing hot air.

- Blind man lose track of wife in fish market.

- Man who shit in pick-up now have dump truck.

[Mac Daddy]

Go Neon .... Go Neon .......... Oh ya baby !!!!!!!!!!

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Star Trek: Sexual Lines

"Captain, I just can't do it!" - Scotty

"That time warp has left them drained, sir." - Scotty

"I've given her all I've got Captain!" - Scotty

"She can't take much more of this Captain!" - Scotty

"Was it good for you?" - Borg Queen

"I've been programmed in multiple techniques." - Data

"I am fully functional." - Data

"We can not penetrate." - Worf

"There's a core breach in progress!" - Geordi

"It's so hot in here captain!" - Dr. Crusher

"I thought I'd never have to use one of these." - Dr. Crusher


*********************************

Signs You Are Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. Hmmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women/men.

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed you home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

You're as jober as a sudge.

You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

The shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering.

*********************
Excuses For Missing Work


If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

I've used up all my sick days so I'm calling in dead!


******************

If Pepsi were a Metaphor For Sex

Always drink from a plastic cup.

Never drink straight from the fountain. ALWAYS pour from a plastic bottle.

Although satisfying alone, Pepsi is much better when shared.

Drinking Pepsi straight from the fountain can change your life forever. You could get sick and die, or women could get a 9 month stomach ache resulting in a New Generation of Pepsi drinkers. (This is not a reference to the needle scare a few years ago)

Drinking Pepsi in public might embarrass those around you, although it might be fun.

While gaining in acceptance, many people do not approve when 2 men or 2 women drink Pepsi together. And if you are in the military you can do this but you can't tell anyone.

The fun part of drinking Pepsi is knowing the ingredients and not telling others. You can add alcohol to it, but then you might forget who you are drinking Pepsi with. Adding ice cream makes it taste like a sweet treat.

The safest way to have Pepsi is to always get it in the same place and always share it with the same person. It is fun to have it with different people once in a while. Married people are supposed to only have Pepsi together, but this doesn't always happen.

Some people go their whole lives and never drink Pepsi. This is very rare.

While it can be very fun, unless prior agreements are made, sharing Pepsi with very close friends can ruin a friendship.

Lorena Bobbitt's favorite drink is a Pepsi with a slice. (Scratch that one, everyone's tired of Lorena jokes.)

Pepsi is great when it is well served!

Diet Pepsi is when you leave the whipped cream in the fridge.

Pepsi is better served warm and straight up. Too much ice can cause it to go flat. Scratch warm try "hot" and sometimes ice makes it hotter.

What's even funnier? The way you hear their ads after reading this.


Drink Pepsi Get Stuff
Pepsi, Gotta Have It
Take the Pepsi Challenge
The Choice of a New Generation
Nothing else is a Pepsi
Be young have fun Drink Pepsi

*****************
The Warning Signs of Insanity

Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

You laugh out loud during funerals.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

You like cats. Especially with mayo.

You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

Melba toast excites you.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the Pope today."

You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

You like reading lists like this.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Originally posted by tek
LMAO

Keep em coming Neon Cowboy

just keep hitting refresh lol

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Virus Types


ADAM AND EVE Virus: This virus takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

ADAM Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple, then disappears with no lasting harm except to fruit industry.

AIRLINE Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

AL GORE Virus: Confuses the computer into thinking the pcmcia port stands for "protecting, conserving, my conebearing ideal americans," and it will only function if you push a living tree twig into it while hugging the trunk. Do not do this though, or a stink will come out that will destroy the ozone leaving only your hardware functioning. No living Sysop will survive but the trees.

AMY FISHER Virus: It tries to destroy but only damages your monitor. Then it prints a message of its life story.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus: The so-called terminator virus will come and go, leaving the message that "it will be back." Only defense against this virus is through it's female adapter, but then you run the risk of getting the dreaded Kennedy Viruses.

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

BILL CLINTON Virus: This virus mutates from region to region; we're not exactly sure what it does. Appears to mate with other viruses at random. It does much flip-flopping and accomplishes absolutely nothing.
(Mutation #1): Makes your system do the opposite of what it prompts. Can only be removed when you hold it under white-water. Tries to remove itself by turning your printer into a shredder. If it prompts you for the Clinton-defense-virus, DON'T BELIEVE IT.

(Mutation #2): It starts by boldly stating, "No new Files for the Middle Class!" on the screen. Then it proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Quayle or Bush Virus.


BORIS YELTSIN Virus: It reformats your drive and alters your PC's basic operating principles every ten minutes, making it completely inoperative. Meanwhile, an on screen message begs you to be patient and wait 90 days for results.

BOSNIA-HERTZEGOVINA Virus: Under the influence of this Eastern European virus, your PC's components continuously break down into tiny, squabbling factions.

CONGRESSIONAL Virus: Overdraws your disk space.
(Mutation #1): The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. In the past, the section with control made the loudest beeping.

(Mutation #2): Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.


CONSTITUTIONALIST Virus: This virus acts up during computer war games. It blinks your monitor before attacks---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

DAN QUAYLE Virus: Forces your computer to play PGA TOUR from 10am to 4pm, six days a week. Plus messes up your editor, making it add e's to the end of vegetable words.
(Mutation #1): Tags an E on the end of every word in your text files ending in o.

(Mutation #2): Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

(Mutation #3): Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe just can't figyour out watt. (Variant of the POTATOE Virus.)


DAVID DUKE Virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

DR. HANNIBAL LECTER Virus: It eats the heart out of your PC with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

ELVIS Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations all across rural America.

E.T. Virus: Locks up your modem by phoning home, when not talking to Jimmy Carter about the space ship cover up.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT Virus: Scrambles your sectors into thousands of little units, each doing next to nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer, and cost more than an optical disk.

FREUDIAN Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

GALLUP Virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

GENNIFER FLOWERS Virus: This virus no longer exists per se, it was cloned off onto the Clinton virus.

GEORGE BUSH Virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
(Mutation #1): Starts by boldly declaring "Read my Text... NO NEW FILES!" on screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard disk with new files, and blames it all on the Congress virus.

(Mutation #2 - Japanese Version1): Eats some of your files, then immediately regurgitates some of them.


GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

HEALTH CARE Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. The bill is $9,000 when overwritten with the assistance of the Congressional Virus.
(Mutation #1): Self aborting virus that will scare the daylights out of you. It hides hoping the HILLARY VIRUS will not be detected, then resurfaces if the CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS is not dealt with immediately. Virus analysts say the CONGRESSIONAL virus may mutate and self destruct, the conclusions are out. One thing is clear. It will not be as powerfully destructive.


HILLARY CLINTON Virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder, has no owners manual, and is unresponsive to the Sysop. Attempts to connect to insider traders in cattle futures. You MUST control, alt, delete before it does so. You will go bankrupt without the improper but not-so-terminal connections.
(Mutation #1): Writes a very important program without having taken any classes in Computer Science. Strongly attempts to force you to use it.


IMELDA MARCOS Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up.
(Mutation #1): Siphons money from your Quicken account, and spends it all buying new shoes through Prodigy.


JACK KEVORKIAN Virus: Helps your computer shut down whenever you want it to, but it can never be reset or rebooted again. This virus only attacks Terminal Cases.

JERRY BROWN Virus: Blanks your screen and flashes an 800 number.

JESSE JACKSON Virus: Your screen becomes a beautiful rainbow, but your PC can't accomplish anything.

JIMMY CARTER Virus: Confuses Sysop by making smooth directories wherever it goes, but none of it is verifiable or lasting.

JIMMY HOFFA Virus: Nobody can find it.

JOCELYN ELDERS Virus: Prints, "Oh no you don't" after the "Abort Retry Fail" message if you choose "Fail" or "Retry", and only allows the "Abort" message to be selected.
(Mutation #1): Gives you the CONDOM Anti-Virus program, but intentionally hides from you that it has a 20 percent failure rate.

(Mutation #2): After attempting to promote self-satisfaction, the Elders Virus is quickly removed by the Clinton Virus.


JURASSIC PARK Virus: Makes V20 computers more advanced than a 486 then duplicates the new computers.

LAMBCHOP Virus: Keeps scrolling the lyrics to "The Song that Doesn't End" on the bottom line of your screen.

LAPD Virus: Claims it feels "threatened" by the other files on your PC and erases them "in self defense."
(Mutation #1): Overrides "detect and clean" virus removal programs, then continues misbehaving despite of losing funds in all spreadsheets.


LORENA BOBBITT Virus: Very serious virus. It cuts off your hard drive and leaves you with only a 3.5" floppy! Especially dangerous for BBS SysOps - as it will cut off your most valued member while you sleep.

MARIO CUOMO Virus: Should it attack your system or should it leave your system alone? This virus can't seem to decide what to do, but an on screen message says it withholds the right to destroy your files at a later date.

MARTHA STEWART Virus: It takes over your PC and oh so tastefully alters your color palettes to lovely muted pastels.

MEDIA Virus: Feigns a "just" interest in data processors for football users and famous prostitute users, but has already aborted and executed Pensacola user protester. Fairness does not compute in data process selections.
(Mutation #1): Messages on your screen refer to Republican victories as "a killing" and sends sympathy notes to Democrats on your printer. When detected, it tells you it "just read it off your modem's wire service," though this message is deceitful.


THE MCI Virus: Every four minutes it autodials all your friends and relatives and pesters them to switch, giving them YOUR name, as reference. Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

MICHAEL JACKSON Virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
(Mutation #1): This mutated Jackson virus is very expensive and appears to only seek young files. If you get this virus and can prove it, you stand to inherit 10 million dollars from Michael.


MICHAEL JORDAN Virus: It slam dunks your PC 40 times every 60 minutes, never the same way twice.

NATIONAL ENQUIRER Virus: It incessantly scans your files for evidence that you are cross-dressing, have been abducted by aliens, or are secretly dating Princess Di.

NEW WORLD ORDER Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

NIKE Virus: This virus "Just Does It!"

OLIVER STONE Virus: Attacks the Warren Commission Virus, with the result that both you and your PC are left in a state of total confusion.

OLLIE NORTH Virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

OPRAH WINFREY Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

PAT BUCHANAN Virus: Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen.

PAULA JONES Virus: It doesn't exist. There are too many witnesses for it to exist. If it existed, there would be no witness, like in the Vince Foster virus.

PAUL REVERE Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C.

PAUL TSONGAS Virus: Pops up on December 25th and says, "I'm not Santa Claus." Suddenly, your PC becomes incredibly drab and boring.

PBS Virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

PINTO Virus: Sets your computer on fire.

POLITICALLY CORRECT Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

PRO CHOICE Virus: Overwrites all files, in every State but remains personally opposed to it's own behavior. Destroys all files from 1 day to 9 months even if the only reason is sector selection. It won't encourage you to consult your mother (board), and demands more and more funding.

THE RAMBO Virus: Protects your CPU, but attacks any systems it perceives as enemies.

RICHARD NIXON Virus (AKA the "TRICKY DICK Virus"): You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.
(Mutation #1): Will mysteriously blank various parts of files.


RIGHT TO LIFE Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

RONALD REAGAN Virus: This virus creates serious problems in memory.

ROSS PEROT Virus: When you boot, it displays a message saying that it is thinking of running. Then it scans the disk for competing operating systems, and if it finds any, shuts down immediately...
(Mutation #1): Your PC is crippled by 500,000 incoming calls of support each day.

(Mutation #2): Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.


SCHROEDER MILITARY Virus: This virus AIDS in the destruction of the virus scanners you may have, by encouraging in very risky social experiments, done in close proximity on the computer's viral Defense system.

SEARS Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

S & L Virus: Says that it is a stacker but permanently loses MB space on your hard disk. No known cure.

SPIKE LEE Virus: It makes your screen go totally black.

STAR TREK Virus: Infects your PC in places no virus has gone before.

TBN TURNER-FONDA Virus: Enters data LIVE but beginning on the RIGHT side of the screen with the purpose of annoying you with the right and then moving intentionally to the LEFT.

TED KENNEDY Virus: Crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.

TED TURNER Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

TEENAGE Virus: You can get your PC to do what you want, but only after an interminable argument that leaves you feeling horribly guilty.

TERRY RANDLE Virus: Prints, "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS Virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

TYPE-A Virus: It makes your hard drive hard driven.

TWO LIVE CREW Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with using the word "motherboarder" repeatedly in the sound blaster with no redeeming value. If you seek to unplug, it electronically files a class action suit.

U.N. Virus: Takes control of all of your computer's defensive and offensive programs, but is not answerable to any commands by the sysop, manufacturer, not even the Clinton virus. Even though this virus has total control, it can not accomplish anything.

VAMPIRE Virus: Your PC can operate only at night, and its performance really sucks.

WACO Virus: Will only attack and kill your computer if anyone near your terminal owns a gun. Acts with the power of a nuke, on the operating system, when your system's power compares to that of a pea shooter.

WARREN COMMISSION Virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

WILLIARD SCOTT Virus: Keeps track of all family birthdays and renders verbose birthday wishes each time you request weather predictions.

WILLIAM KENNEDY SMITH Virus: It attacks your PC late at night and without provocation, operating under the influence of the Ted Kennedy Virus.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Signs It's Going to be a Rotten Day



You can tell it's going to be a rotten day when...

You wake up face down on the pavement

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold

You see a '60 minutes' news team waiting in your office

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and they aren't there

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city

You wake up to discover your waterbed has broken, then remember you don't have a waterbed

Your car horn goes of accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels down the motorway

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache

Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat

You wake up and your braces are locked together

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business

Your blind date turns out to be your ex wife

Your income tax check bounces

You put both contact lenses in the same eye

Your pet rock snaps at you

Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George

******************


Apartment Ad Translation Guide


SPACIOUS - hole in the wall; compared to living in your car; that's why we're charging $200 above the going rate.
EASY ACCESS TO TRANSPORTATION - in the flight path of an airport; next to the railroad tracks; next to a major road/highway.

FRIENDLY STAFF - Doberman pincher mentality.

FREE UTILITIES - Would you pay this high rent AND the water and garbage?

HEATED POOL - only when the sun's out; only on the off chance there's water in it

WORKOUT ROOM - four walls, some free weights, a machine or two and a clunky stationary bike.

GREAT VIEWS - within touching distance of neighbors; overlooking the garbage dumpster; overlooking the pool; overlooking the cute guy/gals apartment.

AFFORDABLE - yearly income must be $100,000 or more; wealthy parents pay the rent for you.

PETS WELCOME - no kids; the odor from the previous owner's pets couldn't be removed.

AEK - All Electricity Kancelled

W/D - Will be Disillusioned; Will be Disgusted; Worried/Depressed people.

AC - Atrocious Carpeting

WWC - Wall to Wall Crap

LIGHT AND AIRY - built as cheaply as possible.

SECURE PARKING - manager's office overlooks the parking lot.

!!! - desperation to sell is linked to the number of '!!!'

RUSTIC - classic 60's decor; outhouse included; one heating vent.


*********************************


Reasons Sheep are Better Than Women


Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth

You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear

Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather

Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease

Nuttin' beats mutton

Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel

Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early

Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down

Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them

No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe

Sheep are never concerned about their reputation

Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up

Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't get it up for the second time

Sheep never insist on eating out

You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson

Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late

Sheep don't smell like tuna fish

Sheep don't get moody once a month

You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth

A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay

A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed

A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon

A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car

A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains

A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay

A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup

A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy

A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator

A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, one of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom

A sheep will never sue you for palimony

A sheep won't care if you screw her sister

A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is

A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing

A sheep won't use you razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can

Sheep never have a headache

A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill

A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom

A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons

Sheep grow their own fur coats

A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football

Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend

A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning

Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex

A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up

A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator

A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style

A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom

Sheep are "ram tough"

A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear Levis with a hole in the seat, open beer bottles with your teeth

Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on

Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning

Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck

A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake the kids, you'll wake the neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it, she's not drunk enough to enjoy it

A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber

*******************

Real Estate Translation Guide


CHARMING - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."

MUCH POTENTIAL - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See "Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."

UNIQUE CITY HOME - Used to be a warehouse.

HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

DARING DESIGN - Still a warehouse.

COMPLETELY UPDATED - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.

SOPHISTICATED - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."

ONE-OF-A-KIND - Ugly as sin.

BRILLIANT CONCEPT - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."

UPPER BRACKET - If you have to ask . . .

YOU'LL LOVE IT - No, you won't.

MUST SEE TO BELIEVE - An absolutely accurate statement.


**********************

Murphy's Laws Of Love


All the good ones are taken.

If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)

The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.

Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.

The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.

Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.

Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.

Nice guys(girls) finish last.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.


***********************


Fortune Cookie Phrases


Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!

Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.

Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Elevator smell different to midget.


**********************


5 Reasons Computers Must Be Female


No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


********************************
5 Signs You Spend Too Much Time On Computers

You feel naked without your pocket protector.

Your sperm count is lower than your typing speed.

You look in the mirror and see Bill Gates! (aarrgghhh!)

You spend your Saturdays surfing...the Internet.

You receive divorce papers...via email!
***************************************

10 Signs You're too Stressed


Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

You can achieve a "runner's high" just by sitting up.

Trees begin chasing you.

You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

You and Reality file for a divorce.

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row about it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night

**********************

10 Psycho Pick-Up Lines


Didn't I see you on the grassy knoll?

Can I buy you a spatula?

Bet you're wondering why I have no nostrils.

Your crawlspace or mine?

You look like the kind of person who appreciates catheters.

May I lick your forehead?

Do you always wear your shoes over your socks?

Smeep. Smeep. Smeep.

What's your favorite flavor of wood?

You've stolen my heart, but I have three more back home in the freezer.

***************************

12 Tips for Managers from Employees


Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

25 Ways To Annoy Your Professors


Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."

If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.

Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"

Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!" and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.

Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.

Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.

Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.

Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.

Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."

Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.

Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"

Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.

Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.

Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.

Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.

Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring."

Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.

When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.

Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.

Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.


**********************

20 Ways to Confuse Santa Claus


Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. "

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

********************

30 Fun Things To Do When Driving


Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.

Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang. Listen to COOL music like Metallica.

At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

Two words: Chicken suit.

Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

Stop at the green lights.

Go at the red ones.

Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

Eat food that requires silverware.

Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

Sing without having the radio on.

Honk frequently without motivation.

Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

Ask people for Grey Poupon.

Let pedestrians know who’s boss.

Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

Restart your car at every stop light.

Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

Paint your car with occult symbols.

Keep at least five cats in the car.

Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.

Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.

Stop and collect roadkill.

Stop and pray to roadkill.

Throw Spam.

Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

258 Things to do When You are Bored


Wax the ceiling.
Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car.
Drop your cat from a high place, to see if it really does land on all four feet.
Repeat above until failure.
Rearrange political campaign signs.
Sharpen your teeth.
Play Houdini with one of your siblings.
Braid your dogs hair.
Clean and polish your belly button.
Water your dog...see if he grows.
Wash a tree.
Genuflect to Lawrence Welk.
Knight yourself and some close friends.
Found the Jim Jones' School of Modern Bartending.
Flirt with an evergreen.
Scare Steven King.
Give your cat a mohawk.
Purr.
Mow your carpet.
Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)
Whine
Play Pat Boone records backwards.
Re-elect Richard Nixon.
Dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group...surprise your grandmother.
Listen to a painting.
Play with matches.
Buff your cat.
Raise professional racing ferrets.
Paint your home...day-glo orange.
Dial-a-Prayer and argue.
Read Homer in the original Greek.
Learn Greek.
Change your mind.
Change it back.
Watch the sun...see if it moves.
Mail Jerry Falwell a Hustler magazine.
Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster.
Paint your windows.
Flash your goldfish.
Paint.
Smile.
Paint a smile.
Shoot at a fire hydrant.
Apologize to it.
See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
Rotate your garden...daily.
Plant a shoe.
Write letters to the political officials that are representing you, and tell them what a good job they are doing (on 4/1).
Sweat.
Give a Rorschach (Ink-blot) Test to your gerbil.
Take apart all your major kitchen appliances.
Mix and match the parts.
Turn your TV picture tube upside down.
Take your sofa for a walk.
Write a letter to Plato.
Mail it.
Start.
Stop.
Dial 911...breath heavily.
Go to a funeral...tell jokes.
Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.
Carry a tune.
Drop it to see if it breaks.
Starch your shoes.
Contemplate a cockroach.
Get a dog to chase your car.
Let him catch it.
Form a political party.
Throw a political party.
Climb a sidewalk.
Ride a loaf of bread.
Annoy yourself.
Get angry with yourself.
Stop speaking to yourself.
Kiss and make-up.
Stand on your head.
Stand on someone else's head.
Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire.
Read a Harlequine Romance Novel...but only if you're REALLY bored.
Build a pyramid.
Paint your teeth.
Wear a salad.
Speak with a forked tongue.
MAKE a drive in window at your local bank.
Walk on water...but DON'T get caught.
Shave a shrub.
Have a proton fight.
Watch a car rust.
Quiver.
Confess to a crime that you didn't commit.
Learn to type...with your toes.
Buy the Brooklyn Bridge.
Mail it to a friend.
Be in the wrong place at the right time.
Be someone special.
Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.
Request covert assistance from the CIA.
Factor your social security number.
Take the fifth.
Take the sixth.
Read the 1962 Des Moines White Pages.
Join the Foreign Legion.
Learn to write Sanskrit.
Learn to read Sanskrit.
Exist...existentially of course.
Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska.
Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.
Print counterfeit Confederate money.
Kick a cabbage.
Take a picture.
Put it back.
Go back to square one.
Sand a mushroom.
Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor.
Play solitaire...for cash.
Abuse your patio furniture.
Run for Pope.
If you don't win, run for God.
If you still don't win, run for Mayor of Toledo.
Write a book about a previous life.
Count to a million...fast.
Have your cat bronzed.
Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.
Revert.
Sleep on a bed of nails.
Don't toss and turn.
Think shallow thoughts.
Run around in squares.
Boil ice cream.
Sterilize your stereo, with Jack Daniels.
Carve your girl/boyfriends initials...in a marshmallow.
Converse...with a flatworm.
Speak in acronyms.
Drive the speed limit...in your garage.
Make a schematic drawing...of a rock.
Be a rabid Boxcar Willi fan.
Sing the National Anthem...during your calculus final.
Pay off the national debt...with a bad check.
Calmly have a nervous breakdown.
Give your goldfish a perm.
Fly a brick.
Play tag...on the nearest interstate.
Exorcize a ghost.
Exercise a ghost.
Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people.
Paint stripes on a lake.
Ski Kansas.
Wear a bowler...hat, stupid.
Test thin ice...with a pogo stick.
Apply for a Unicorn Hunting License.
Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes.
Do a good job.
Crawl.
Be a side affect.
Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley.
Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck.
Duck.
Redecorate your garage.
Develop a complex.
Join the Army...be someone simple.
Try harder.
Hit the deck.
Cut the deck.
Make a deal with the Devil...keep your fingers crossed.
Put legwarmers on all your furniture.
Be number six.
Sit.
Stay.
Roll over.
Play dead.
Scheme.
Sprinkle your family room.
Cause a power failure.
Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.
Give a lecture tour on the historical significance of cream cheese.
Wriggle.
Be cherubic.
Debate politics with a fern.
If you lose stop watering it.
Donate your brother's body to science.
Join Hell's Angels by mail.
Wonder.
Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave.
Be a square root.
Park your car...with a friend.
Park your car...with a group of friends.
Ask stupid questions.
Spew.
Surf Ohio.
Go bowling...for small game.
Have your first statement of bankruptcy framed.
Hang it on the wall in your office.
Staple.
Solve the population problem. i.e. x + 2y - 16x = population; solve for x.
Contribute to the population problem.
Interview a cloud.
Play tiddly-winks...go for blood.
Go to a drive-in movie in a tank.
Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway.
Crumble.
Crumple.
Translate Shakespeare into English.
Skydive...to church.
Send the president an alarm clock...wind it up first.
Do aerobics...in your head.
Play card with your swimming pool.
Found a cockroach stable and stud farm.
Send your goldfish to obedience school.
Pinstripe your driveway.
Play "Kick the fire-hydrant."
Harness chipmunk power
Free the oppressed toaster-ovens of America.
Free the obsessed toaster-ovens of America.
Mug a stop sign.
Change your name...daily.
Go for a walk...in the attic.
Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.
Find a witch.
Burn her.
Regress.
Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat.
Go bow hunting...for Toyotas.
Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.
Boldly go where no man has gone before.
Jump back.
Play to lose.
Scalp a VW.
Be a threat to the American way of life.
Be a threat to the Northwest Tibetan way of life.
Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Toronto.
Have your car painted plaid.
Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization.)
Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation.
Race turnips.
Give your grandmother a raise...and another week paid vacation.
Sharpen your sleeping skills.
Put out a fire.
If you can't find one make one.
Ionize your new chemistry professor (remember you took the heat capacity of the first one)
Make a lifesized replica of the Statue of Liberty...out of grape jello.
Tree a goldfish.
Get a college education.
Bury your fathers Nissan.
Tell your him the dog did it.
Catch a falling star.
Throw it back.
Place your cat in hyper-space.
Again tell your dad the dog did it.
Corner the market on Agnew in '76 buttons.
Find out where all these cylinders graduated from.
Install handicapped access to the {your favorite pathetic baseball team's} dugout.
Kickstart your TV.
Kickstop your TV.
Perfect the internal combustion telephone.
Prove once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon.
Complain to God that Jupiter has more moons than we do.
Make a list of things to do when bored.
Renumber the bored list...

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

107 Reasons Beer is Better Than Women


You can enjoy a beer all month.

Beer stains wash out.

You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.

When beer goes flat you toss it out.

Beer is never late.

Hangovers go away.

A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

Beer labels come off without a fight.

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

Beer never has a headache.

After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.

A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.

If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.

You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.

A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.

You can share a beer with your friends.

You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.

A beer is always wet.

Beer doesn't demand equality.

A beer doesn't care when you come.

You can have a beer in public.

A frigid beer is a good beer.

You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

Beer always comes in multiples of six.

Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.

You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.

After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.

A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.

When your beer is gone, you just pop another.

You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.

Beer looks the same in the morning.

Beer doesn't look you up in a month.

Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.

Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.

Beer doesn't get cramps.

Beer doesn't have a mother.

Beer doesn't have morals.

Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.

Beer always listens and never argues.

Beer labels don't go out of style every year.

Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.

Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.

Beer doesn't demand legality.

Beer is never overweight.

If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

Beer won't run off with your credit cards.

Beer doesn't have a lawyer.

Beer doesn't need much closet space.

Beer can't give you herpes or other nasty things.

Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.

Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.

Beer never changes its mind.

Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.

Beer never asks you to change the station.

Beer doesn't make you go shopping.

Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.

Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.

Beer is always easy to pick up.

Big, fat beers are nice to have.

Beer doesn't pout or play games.

Beer NEVER says no.

Beer is easy to get into.

Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.

Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other Beers

Beer doesn't wear a bra.

Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.

Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.

Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.

Beer doesn't live with its mother.

Beer doesn't blow you off.

Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.

Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.

Beer doesn't mind football season.

A beer won't make you go to church.

A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.

A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.

A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".

A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers around.

A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with babies are "cute".

If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.

A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".

A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.

A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.

A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.

If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.

A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.

A beer won't smoke in your car.

A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.

A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.

A beer will actually support belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.

A beer is always ready to leave on time.

A beer never fishes for compliments.

Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.

Beer tastes good.

If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".

A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.

An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.

A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.

A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles" (You are lying, but the beer won't accuse you of it).

A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.

A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse, "But I saved a quarter!"

A beer will never make you go to a Swedish movie.

A beer will never make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.

A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".

A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.

When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't make you ill.


***************************

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

Twitch a lot.

Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

Become a subgenius.

Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

Speak in tongues.

Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlety. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

Walk and talk backwards.

Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

Collect all your urine in a small jug.

Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

Eat glass.

Smoke ballpoint pens.

Smile. All the time.

Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Ho's in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

Dye all your underwear lime green.

Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).

Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster or The Boog. Sacrifice something nasty.

Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

Paint your half of the room black or paisley.

Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

Shave one eyebrow.

Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

Put horseradish in your shoes.

Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

Always flush the toilet three times.

Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

Give him/her an allowance.

Listen to radio static.

Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

Cry a lot.

Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.

Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.

Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.

Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.

If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.

Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when he/she isn't home, show them the magazines.

Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.

If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.

Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.

Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.

Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.

Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

Follow him/her around on weekends.

Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

Take his/her underwear. Wear it.

Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything.

Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.

Let mice loose in his/her room.

Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.

Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.

Skip to the bathroom.

Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.

Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile on your roommate's bed. Jump into the pile often.

When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.

Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find them.

Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes then call whoever it was back.

Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they take the Lord's name in vain.

Burn incense.

Eat moths.

Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.

Collect Chia-Pets.

Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.

Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.

If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.

Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.

Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around. Drink it.

Don't ever flush.

Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.

Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."

Lick him/her while they are asleep.

Dress in drag.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

45 Things To Do At A Final


Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up and say, "Oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

Get a copy of the exam and run out screaming, "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols.Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm soooo sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

Bring cheerleaders.

Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the heck are you? Where's the regular guy?"

Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

Bring pets.

Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor and say, "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out, "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, and say, "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

One word: Wrestlemania.

Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.


***********************


20 Ways To Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate


Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."


********************

10 Signs You Bought a Bad Computer


Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

The only chip inside is a Dorito.

You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

*****************

Twenty Things That Never Happen In Star Trek


1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times
before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a
rather well-known old life form just wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be
found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a
great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious
incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's
computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the
highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them
on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify
by offering it some sweeties.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of
the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships
in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected
with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically
separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without
any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a
go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the
most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....


1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the
bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back
to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty
feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year
or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period
when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she
doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you
feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest
friends because they have nondescript screen name and
you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to
"Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you
just say "LOL, LOL"


************************


15 INSPIRATIONAL IDEAS

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

9. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

11. We waste time, so you don't have to.

12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

13. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

14. Succeed in spite of management.

15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.


********************

30 Things to do on an exam when you know that you are going to fail it anyway!

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions a loud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking. "Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and runoff.

6. 15 min. into the exam, standup, rip up all the papers in to very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bath robe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Turret's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. standup, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream and walkout triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, any thing you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

******************

Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid


A few clowns short of a circus.
* A few fries short of a happy meal.
* The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
* All foam, no beer.
* The butter has slipped off his pancake.
* The cheese slid off his cracker.
* Body by Nautilus, brains by Mattel.
* Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
* Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on
the heel.
* He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on
the way down.
* As smart as bait.
* Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
* Her sewing machine's out of thread.
* One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
* Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
* His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
* Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
* Receiver is off the hook.
* Not wired to code.
* Skylight leaks a little.
* Her slinky's kinked.
* Too much yardage between the goal posts.
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold
them together.
* A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
* During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming.
* Is so dense, light bends around her.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just
gargled.
* She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.


********************
Top 10 Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working At A Computer


10: The monitor is up on blocks
9: Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them
8: The six front keys have rotted out
7: The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them
6: The numeric key pad only goes up to six
5: The password is "Bubba"
4: There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU
3: There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive
2: The keyboard is camouflaged
1: The mouse is referred to as a "critter"


*****************

Extreme Bumper Stickers
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement
park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park.
Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Boldly going nowhere
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost.
I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi... Oooh! Donuts!
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
Keep honking, driver reloading
CAUTION: I drive just like you!
All generalizations are false
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
No radio - Already stolen.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Forty Reasons Picard Is Better Than Kirk


1) Picard outwits Q time and again, Kirk saved from Trelane's by Trelane's parents.
2) Picard sends first officer to barren planets while he stays on board with babes.
3) Kirk ex-flame: Dowdy scientist, Picard's ex-flame: Former member of 60's supergoup "The Mamas and the Papas."
4) Picard actually smarter than his first officer.
5) Hair loss=high testosterone. 'Nuff said.
6) Picard would never let chief engineer swell up to planetoid size.
7) Klingons: Drag Kirk to ice prison, allow Picard to choose their leader.
8) Picard necks with chicks in the Jefferies tube.
9) Kirk has wimpy lunch served to him by yeoman, Picard fixes own damn food in the replicator.
10) Kirk never told a member of the bridge crew to "shut up."
11) Picard beat up two Klingons in a Klingon slum.
12) Picard's brother actually played by a different actor than Picard.
13) Kirk grudgingly allows one woman to be hit by truck to correct timeline, Picard sends entire starship crew to flaming deaths.
14) Kirk near 60: thinking of retirement; Picard near 60: still in prime.
15) At academy, Picard noted for marathon skill, Kirk called "stack of books with legs."
16) Kirk bothered by mild astigmatism, Picard kicks ass for forty years with artificial heart.
17) Three words: No beer gut
18) Kirk fights has-been Greek god, Picard worshipped as god.
19) The Picard Maneuver
20) Picard never split into "naughty" and "nice" halves.
21) Kirk: Subjects Spock to court-martial; Picard: Allows Worf to whack a guy with only a reprimand.
22) Kirk: Chews crew members out for engaging in bar braw; Picard: Takes on Naussicans
23) Kirk: Sobs like a baby when son dies; Picard: Laughs like a hyena when stabbed through heart
24) Kirk: Dukes it out with doppelganger; Picard: Doesn't waste time: Shoots doppelganger with phaser
25) Kirk has booze given to him; Picard family makes its own damn wine.
26) Kirk: Spends few minutes aboard Romulan vessel in disguise; Picard: Makes it all the way to Romulus and back.
27) Picard collects archeological relics; Kirk IS archeological relic.
28) Picard manages to have entire conversations with Lursa and Betor without staring at their cleavage.
29) Picard made Spock cry.
30) Picard merged with Sarek.
31) Picard only wears toupees for flashback scenes.
32) Picard would have figured out that "V'ger" thing in about five minutes.
33) Picard never called self "Kirok" and dressed in leftover costumes from "Oklahoma."
34) Kirk didn't have the good sense to turn down the admiralty like Picard did.
35) Let's face it....it may have made a great character moment, but when you get right down to it, Kirk CHEATED on his biggest academy test!
36) Dorky spacesuit count: Kirk 2, Picard 0.
37) Picard secure enough not to keep display of guns on his apartment wall.
38) Picard knows that "horgon" doesn't mean the end of a date.
39) Picard never wore gray pajamas on the bridge.
40) Picard wouldn't have had to be forced to kiss Uhura.

****************************

Top Ten Signs That You've Bought a Cheap Car


Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.

The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.

The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.

The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."

The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.

Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.

The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."

You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.

You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.

When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.


*******************

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Originally posted by Mac Daddy
Go Neon .... Go Neon .......... Oh ya baby !!!!!!!!!!

quiting for now till i see some more posts in here ...

[Louie6666]

I apologise in advance for those that have already seen this, but I still find it funny even after its been around for a while

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

[shortstuff]

I don't know if anyone has heard this one or not but it is funny.

[COLOR=indigo]There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimers research. By the year 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky breasts, never ending erections, and no recollection of what to do with either of them. [/COLOR]

[Mac Daddy]

Never hear that one .... Thats funny ROFL

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Originally posted by Louie6666
I apologise in advance for those that have already seen this, but I still find it funny even after its been around for a while

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

herd it a very long time ago ...

[Mac Daddy]

An old one ......... for our younger viewers ..... watch the language

Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Everybody felt shitty,
Even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse,
Dad smokin grass,
I just settled down,
For a nice piece of ASS.

When out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece,
Too see what was a matter.

When out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick,
I knew then,
It must be St. Nick.

He came down the chimney,
Like a bat out of hell,
Right then and there I knew,
The fucker had fell.

He filled all our stockings,
With pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick,
For my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney,
With a thunderous fart,
The son of a bitch,
Blew the chimney apart.

He cursed and swore,
As he rode out of sight,
A piss on you all,
And to hell your good night ........

[jkayca2]

I like the new avatar Mac Daddy. Very cool.

[Mac Daddy]

So do I Jkay it was a nice gift from a friend.
I thought it was very cool of Z to make it for me ... I consider it my first Bday present this year

[kinetic]

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said."Take off my dress." He did this carefully."Jeeves," she continued." Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

[kinetic]

This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him and says, "Theres this dwarf with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you!"

Sure enough the dwarf turns up. The owner asks him, " Do you want a male horse or a female horse?"

" A female horth pleeth!" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nith horth", says the dwarf, "can I thee her teeth?" The owner picks up the dwarf and shows him the horses teeth.

"Nith teeth, can I thee her eyth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf and shows him the horses eyes.

"Nith eyth, can I thee her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little bit pissed off but again he picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nith eerth" he says, "now can I see her twot?" With this the irate owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a few sconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Maybe I should wefwaze that! Can I thee her wun awound!"

[jkayca2]

Originally posted by kinetic
This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him and says, "Theres this dwarf with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you!"

Sure enough the dwarf turns up. The owner asks him, " Do you want a male horse or a female horse?"

" A female horth pleeth!" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nith horth", says the dwarf, "can I thee her teeth?" The owner picks up the dwarf and shows him the horses teeth.

"Nith teeth, can I thee her eyth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf and shows him the horses eyes.

"Nith eyth, can I thee her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little bit pissed off but again he picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nith eerth" he says, "now can I see her twot?" With this the irate owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a few sconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Maybe I should wefwaze that! Can I thee her wun awound!"

Kinetic,
Bad very bad. I of course sent it to all my friends

[jkayca2]

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over
his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and
hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to
wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face
and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught
so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped
back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis
out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced
the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and repeats again, "Are my
test results back???"

[Falstaff]

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
---------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
----------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
----------------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please and one for the road."
----------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
-------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
----------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
-----------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
--------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
----------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
-----------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
---------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
-----------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
____________
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
--------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A f sh.
----------------------------------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
-------------------------------------
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
------------------------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Barney Must Die Newsletter

ABL's Barney Must Die Newsletter
Issue #1



I hate Barney! I hate Barney! I hate Barney!
-- From the bestselling "Mantra for a New Age:
A World Without Barney"


"Barney is more insidious than Dianetics!"
-- Gumby, '60s animation star




Welcome to the first issue of the Anti-Barney League's Barney
Must Die Newsletter.

It is time that we must unite against a force that is covering
our nation like a dark cloud. Barney is evil.

Barney and his Backyard gang are out to control the minds of
kids, so that after the seed of Barney is planted in their
psyche, they will more willingly accept a kind and gentle
DICTATORSHIP, by a man in a purple rubber suit. The problem
will grow unless we do some thing about it. Dinosaurs can't
be citizens, so let's send him to Costa Rica.

PBS sponsors a show called "Barney and his Friends" (check
your local listings). Basically, it concerns a group of
irritating small children and a purple toy dinosaur named
"Barney" who comes to life and sings songs of a pro-social
nature. Of particular note is "The I Love You Song", sung to
the tune of "This Old Man", slowed to a dirge-like tempo:

I love you.
You love me.
We're a happy family.
With a great big hug,
And a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say you love me too?


JUST WHAT IS BARNEY, ANYWAY?

Barney is said to be some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur
suit. Several things about this theory don't add up. For one
thing, Barney has full mobility.

Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his
hands ever did anything and the other was always clutching his
stomach like he was about to puke up gizzard stones? That's
because Big Bird was a guy in a suit. That other hand was
operating his beak.

Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working
mouth, and large moving cow like eyes. If a man is in there,
he's no ordinary man. (Plus, he's repeatedly demonstrated the
ability to leap in the air a CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human
would sweat like a cheese trying stunts like that.)

If he's not human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we?

1) He's a real dinosaur.

Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is
questionable, the geological record is far from complete.
Since Barney is apparently warm-blooded, this would support
current revisionist paleontological theory. (The singing
ability is a new twist, however.)

And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the
other hand, while he is built along the lines of a carnivore
(Family Tyrannosauridae) his teeth seem those of a herbivore,
or at best, an omnivore. Assuming those are teeth.

2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly
parent figure in order to train young children to be his
unholy army of ultimate darkness.

You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it
seems. Look at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why.
Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way to
test this out would be to confront the fiend with a bloody
crucifix.

3) He's a space alien.

This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomorph, might
have access to all sorts of technology that we couldn't even
begin to comprehend: hypnosis beams, holographic projectors,
even large-scale matter re-assemblers. All of theses could
account for the "powers of imagination" as depicted on the
show. As for his motives and purpose, see above.

HOW DO WE STOP BARNEY?

1) Wait for him to go away.

Most media darlings eventually do this, however, our
children's BRAINS are at stake.

2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips
shut.

You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there.

3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him.

If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he
doesn't have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think
of it, he probably gets his power from...The Children's
Television Workshop. Cut their funding!)

4) Stop believing in him.

Scoff if you will, but this has worked with others recorded in
history.

Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT
Barney is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there's
an alt.barney.die.die.die we'll confine ourselves here. And
remember, you won't get your kids back until Barney is
dead.dead.dead.

Barney the Dinosaur is amongst us all, brainwashing hapless
children, and you sit there at your terminal chuckling at my
so-called "madness". But listen. There's still time to put an
end to his evil Jurassic schemes.

Barney is some kind of malignant supernatural force that has
invaded a toy stuffed kind of malignant supernatural force
that has invaded a toy stuffed dinosaur.

There are two principal Barney modes.

1) There is the "Sentient Mode", where he is a six-foot tall
fuzzy purple saurian who moves around freely and talks and
sings like an brain damaged castrati.

2) There is the "Toy Mode", where he appears to be a small
stuffed version of himself. (NOTE: Neither of these is
Barney's true form. As a creature of darkness, he can take on
any form he chooses.

We are dealing with a SUPERNATURAL Creature here. Don't assume
that just because he LOOKS like a fuzzy harmless doll that he
IS a fuzzy harmless doll.

In toy form he will be constantly on his guard, whereas in
active mode he thinks himself invunerable. And THAT shall
whereas in active mode he thinks himself invunerable. And THAT
shall be his downfall.

You will need the standard tools: Garlic, a bloody crucifix,
an iron rod, a Tammy Faye record, stuff like that. Keep them
ready at all times in case of random Barney encounters.

If by some chance you DO encounter The Hellspawn in active
mode, take these steps:

*DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!*

His eyes have power. He uses them to possess people. If you
gaze too long upon his countenance, you will be HIS, body and
soul. The effect isn't as obvious on T.V., at least not with
adults.

*DO NOT LET HIM SING TO YOU!*

The real danger comes, from the seductive quality of his Song
Of Entrapment:

I love you....
Etc...
Etc...
Etc...
Won't you say you love me too?

If you DO say you love him, then he OWNS your soul and all its
accessories. And we'll have to kill you too.

*ACT CASUAL.*

Lull him into a false sense of security. Pretend you want an
autograph for your nephew. If you're especially skillful, you
can get him to sign an agreement to leave mortals alone for
all eternity.

(NOTE: Your pen MUST be filled with blood for this to work.
While he is not really likely to fall for a cheap stunt like
this, it's certainly worth a try, unless you're worried about
him sucking up your soul like jello through a Hoover.)

*DESTROY HIM.*

Don't worry. If you've done everything right he won't suspect
a thing. The following methods will certainly annihilate most
creatures of darkness:

1) Poke him gently in the ribs with a bloody crucifix, saying
"Hey? Hey? Hey? Big fella?"

2) Blow pepper at him. Have a Holy Man of God ready to say "Bless
you," when he sneezes. Stand well back, so as not to get
Barney-bits all over you.

3) Blow his face off with a flare gun.

4) Cancel his show. (NOTE: You'd better be a PBS executive.)

5) Ask yourself. How would "MacGyver" handle this?

6) Decapitate him with a silver sword, on sacred ground, under a
3-D picture of Jesus, while drinking a glass of holy water
FROM THE FAR SIDE OF THE GLASS, with a bag over your head,
while singing "Amazing Grace", in a month with a "K" in it.
(Note: The sword MUST be blessed by His Holiness the Pope.
Otherwise, you're wasting your time.)

One of those ought to work. Give it a try. If you'd like to
field test any of these methods, use them on Rush Limbaugh.
All of the above applies to HIM, too.

There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our
wrongs and take whatever actions necessary to correct our
misdoings. Barney the dinosaur is one of the most hideous
creations of modern American culture and as such, he MUST be
destroyed. The termination of Barney must therefore become a
goal of all decent, responsible citizens. Only united can we
protect our children and stop his evil reign!

FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE

Just turn down volume on the TV the next time Barney appears.
Striped of his music ( such as the 'I love you, you love me'
chant, one of his most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness
immediately becomes visible. I assure you, if you try this,
you will feel a chill as you watch the demonic blob silently
moving its mouth, gesturing, and dancing before you. After a
moment to recover your composure, you too will realize what
must be done.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Why computers are better than women

A computer can wait forever for you.

A computer doesn't compare you with it's past users.

A computer doesn't get calls from it's past users while you're logged in.

A computer doesn't mind how excited you get.

A computer doesn't tell you how completely terrific it's past users have been.

A computer is big in all the right places.

A computer never forgets your birthday.

A computer won't ask, "Are you in?"

A computer won't ask, "Is there another computer?"

A computer won't even talk about marriage.

A computer won't fall in love with you just because you have sex.

A computer won't get bitchy if you're slow to respond.

A computer won't grade you on how much you send it.

A computer won't look through your checkbook.

A computer won't mind how many other accounts you have, or if you keep getting new ones.

A computer won't say, "Let's just be friends."

A computer won't shave with your razor.

A computer's maintenance personnel don't cross-examine you every time you log in.

Computers are easy to turn on.

Computers are ready when you are.

Computers are very responsive.

Computers aren't into finding out how far you'll go to keep your account.

Computers do everything you tell them to.

Computers don't care about age differences.

Computers don't care if you're married.

Computers don't get pregnant.

Computers don't get upset if you use other computers.

Computers don't insist on foreplay.

Computers don't make you meet their parents.

Computers don't mind if you share them with a friend.

Computers don't mind spending hours on the phone with you.

Computers don't play head games unless you ask them to.

Computers never ask you to call them in the morning.

Computers never have headaches, or take rain checks, or have a curfew, or have that time of the month.

Computers won't mind if you don't like their friends.

If you don't like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another in less than a min.

Size doesn't count to a computer.

The average computer session lasts four hours.

With a computer, you never have to say you're sorry.

You can log into several computers at once.

You can turn off a computer.

You can visit a computer any time you like, and it'll be up and ready for you.

You don't have to tell computers you love them.

[jkayca2]

Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of beers. The passenger, Harry, said "Lord 'tundering jaisis...up ahead, Arch,
it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin'!!"
"Don't worry," Archie said. "We'll just pull over and finish driinkin'
these beers then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads and throw the
bottles under the seat."
"What fer?"
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?"
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and
put a label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the
roadblock, the officer took a look at the two of them
and said, "You boys been drinkin'?
"No, Sir," said Archie while pointing at the labels. "We're on the
patch."

[Mac Daddy]

Thats a good one ... Jkayca2
And Neon ... may I say more .......

Good stuff from both of you ....... Man I can't beleive this thread is still going ....
(Mac Daddy smiles .. and LHAO )