[GigaWatt]

Computer Stupidities

... too funny not to pass on...

EDIT: just some samples... hahahahaha

Tech Support: "How fast is your modem?
Customer: "I don't know, it's got a Pentium chip in it.


Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."


Customer: "I want a Penitum processor, because those Pentiums are just no good."


LOOOOOOOOOOL this one was just TOO GOOD...

Customer: "I don't want one of those systems based on the cellulite processor."

[IvanV]

Cellulite?!

But I can't believe this one, it's scarry:

The music giant Thomas Hesse, president of Sony BMG's global digital business division, responded with the following in an NPR interview about complaints that anti-copying technology on some of Sony's CDs create serious security vulnerabilities.

"Most people, I think, don't even know what a rootkit is, so why should they care about it?"

[larissa]

Originally Posted by IvanV

Cellulite?!

But I can't believe this one, it's scarry:

True.Scarry indeed, some of them are really...really...stupid

[GigaWatt]

LOL ... i can't even read them all... hahahahahaah ... there is too much... hahahahahaha ... i got a stomach ache from laughing... HAHAHHAHAHA

i haven't laughed this hard in a LONG TIME ...

[IvanV]

Our company's website has a section for press releases that's automatically updated. On January 2, 2000, it proudly presented the following:

29.12.99 (...some headline...)
29.12.99 (...some headline...)
30.12.99 (...some headline...)
02.01.100 Success! No Y2K bugs!

[dj_stick]

Receptionist: "Good morning; how may I help you?"
Caller: "I didn't understand your answering machine, so I thought I'd better hold on."
Receptionist: "Who would you like to speak to?"
Caller: "I was after testical support."
I put him through on the technical support line, but I suppose the obvious answer would have been to suggest a jock strap.

[GigaWatt]

Customer: "I'm in the CONSYS.FIG file."


Customer: "I have SETUP.EXERSIZE on my B floppy."


Customer: "I am getting an error on my computer."
Tech Support: "What kind of error?"
Customer: "It says I have a corrupted file on my hard drive, and I should run 'Check Disk'."
Tech Support: "Ok, we need to call in a ticket, and someone will be down shortly."
Customer: "Can you make sure you bring some extra Check Disks, because mine does not work."
Tech Support: "Uh. We're out of stock right now, but I'll order some."


The place where a friend of mine works was going through the process of upgrading all of their computers. On one computer in particular, they had determined they needed more memory. One of the senior partners got it into her head that they needed more "Meg." My friend tried to tell her that what they needed was RAM, but she insisted that the machine had plenty of RAM and that they needed more Meg -- specifically, about 16 megabytes of Meg. He got tired of arguing with her and said to go down to the computer store and buy some Meg.
She came back with an envelope with RAM in it -- on the envelope was written "16 megabytes of Meg."
"The salesman tried to tell me the same thing you did," she told my friend, "but then he went and talked to his manager, and he set him straight. Now go install this Meg."

[isaak]

Customer: "It says here that I need a 2 times CD-ROM drive. Does this mean I have to get another CD-ROM drive?"

nowadays with these 22x LOL

[isaak]

one day a customer called complaining that he just received his computer, but it won't turn on. When he first pushed the power button, the screen flashed and then everything died.
I couldn't do much over the phone, so i went to the customer's office. It was plugged in, everything was hooked up ok, but, sure enough, it refused to turn on. I decided to take it back and promised to deliver a new one as soon as possible. But when i went to pick it up, i couldn't.
Fearful of thieves, the man had fired some 24 inch bolts straight through the box, through the hard drive, motherboard, everything, locking it to his desk.
"oh," he said, "i thought it was just the tv part that was important. Will my warranty cover this?"

:d:d:d:d

[Kizo]

Priceless

Customer: "My monitor is wavy."
Tech Support: "Your monitor is wavy. Hmmm. Is it on?"
Customer: "Huh...urm...uhh. Nope."
Tech Support: "What are you on?"
Customer: "Hehehe...ohh yeah...thanks." (click)

[IvanV]

How did the tech support guy think of asking whether a wavy monitor was on when, from my experience, unplugged monitors are fairly static? It must ave been a familiar situation.

[GigaWatt]

i think the answer lies within: What are you on?

[skylineaddict]

This one got me:

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the..." the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

• Me: "Don't touch me!"
• Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
• Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!"

Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

[GigaWatt]

hahahahahha ... didn't read that one... still in the monitors section... LOL

[GigaWatt]

• Customer: "THIS MONITOR DOESN'T WORK."
• Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
• Customer: "THIS MONITOR IS MISSING A PIN!!"

This guy had a 14 inch monitor. As with most, the monitor cable's plug was missing a few unnecessary pins. I explained that this was normal and, in fact, a good thing.

• Customer: "I PAID FOR A MONITOR WITH ALL THE PINS. I WANT THEM ALL!"

hahahahahahah ... this one had me roling on the floor...

[Cow_160483]

• Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
• Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them.

• Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
• Customer: "Ok."
• Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
• Customer: "No."
• Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
• Customer: "No."
• Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
• Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

• Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
• Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

Oh man this is a grate find

• Customer: "I can't seem to connect to the Internet."
• Tech Support: "Ah, right. What operating system are you running?"
• Customer: "Netscape."
• Tech Support: "No, what version of Windows are you using?"
• Customer: "Uhhh...Hewlett Packard?"
• Tech Support: "No, Right click on 'My Computer,' and select properties on the menu."
• Customer: "Your computer? It's my computer!"
• Tech Support: "No sir, I mean the little picture called 'My Computer' on your desktop."
• Customer: "I don't see an icon called that on my desktop. I do see one called that on my screen."
• Tech Support: "Right, just right click that, and choose Properties from the menu."
• Customer: "Right click?"
• Tech Support: "Just a moment, sir." (mutes phone) "AAAAAAAARGH."

they just get better

[GigaWatt]

Originally Posted by cow_160483

oh man this is a grate find

they just get better

I KNOOOOW...

• Tech Support: "Ok, to access the files on the disk click the mouse on the picture of the disk."
• Customer: "Nothing happened. I told you, I've already tried this."
• Tech Support: "Ok, do it again. Is the mouse moving?"
• Customer: "Yep."
• Tech Support: "On the screen?"
• Customer: "Yep."
• Tech Support: "Now click twice on the picture of the disk."

The consultant hears two clicks.

• Customer: "Nothing."
• Tech Support: "Ma'am, double click once more for me."

The consultant hears the two clicks again.

• Tech Support: "Ma'am, are you hitting your screen with your mouse?"

[Cow_160483]

Once I helped a friend get online for the first time.

• Me: "Ok, do you have your Internet Explorer ope--"
• Him: "What!? Your Internet EXPLODED?"

He was hysterical. I explained it all to him, but he was still terrified. Later, when I was done showing him how to surf the web, he asked:

• Him: "Are you sure the Internet is safe to use?"

Oh man this site is like gold

[GigaWatt]

cow, read the "Paranoia" section...

i promise, you're gonna fall from the chair from laughing...

I know a woman that believes there is a hacker attacking her computer. Every time there is a problem, or she gets an error message she is convinced it is "the hacker" messing with her. Almost every day she tells me "The hacker made me lose my document" or "The hacker made my email return with a wrong address message" or "The hacker made Explorer freeze today" or "The hacker made Napster lose its connection today" or "The hacker made a floppy unreadable" or "The hacker made the printer jam."
She has even assumed her imaginary enemy has superhuman powers. When I tell her some of the things she says are impossible to do, she says, "He knows how to do it. He is a genius."
She is sure this guy exists, and he devotes enormous resources and several hours a day, seven days a week to the sole purpose of bothering her.

[comp_ali]

Very hilarious GigaWatt . Thanks for sharing .

[Cow_160483]

This sounds ridiculous, but it actually happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I work as a computer tech in a chain computer store.

• Customer: "Hi, I'd like to buy a virus."
• Me: "You really don't want a virus on your computer. What you need is anti-virus software."
• Customer: "No, my son told me I need a virus, and that's what I'd like."
• Me: "No worries. You don't need to buy a virus -- you can just connect to the internet and download one."

The pain of ignorance