more jokes......

Markius · Nov 29, 2003, 11:36 AM

Bill Gates picks his own punishment
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

i couldnt find joke thread so i started this one for this joke as its damn funny imo

Markius · Nov 29, 2003, 11:40 AM

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised." the other one says.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My Mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"

Markius · Nov 29, 2003, 11:45 AM

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks.
Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the
crowd and then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone."
A man at the back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely.
I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me.
Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

Markius · Nov 29, 2003, 11:47 AM

Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd
had the previous night with this bloke she brought home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked
"The bastard called me a slut!" Mary said.
"And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked.
"I told him to get out of my bedroom and take his eight
mates with him!" Mary said.

sorry ill stop now...for a while

Judas · Nov 29, 2003, 07:57 PM

i like the bill gates one.... as for the bottle of wine with a hole in it?... i've got a few mixed ideas what that means...

Markius · Nov 30, 2003, 04:53 AM

anybody else gonna post a joke or two??

mbeeston · Nov 30, 2003, 07:20 AM

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" Pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Good."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" Pointing at the Indian.

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Complete look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

Judas · Nov 30, 2003, 07:31 AM

lol liar....

mainman · Nov 30, 2003, 07:40 AM

Markius · Nov 30, 2003, 12:47 PM

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

Shadow Lady · Nov 30, 2003, 12:49 PM

"Sheep liar." lol lol lol

jjmd · Nov 30, 2003, 03:06 PM

Sheep Liar

Judas · Nov 30, 2003, 04:48 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Markius
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

the bartender will have his nutz......

mbeeston · Dec 1, 2003, 08:39 AM

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Judas · Dec 1, 2003, 04:01 PM

yeah.... that one was pretty frigen halarious

Markius · Dec 2, 2003, 01:31 AM

yeah good one mbeeston!

Nov 29, 2003, 11:36 AM	#1
Markius DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 2,350 Rep Power: 0	more jokes...... Bill Gates picks his own punishment Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete." i couldnt find joke thread so i started this one for this joke as its damn funny imo __________________ DriverHeavens Aussie... "Lifes tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late"

Nov 29, 2003, 11:40 AM	Thread Starter #2
Markius DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 2,350 Rep Power: 0	Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised." the other one says. "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My Mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!" __________________ DriverHeavens Aussie... "Lifes tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late"

Nov 29, 2003, 11:45 AM	Thread Starter #3
Markius DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 2,350 Rep Power: 0	Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water. "Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender. The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!" Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the crowd and then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone." A man at the back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!" A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch." __________________ DriverHeavens Aussie... "Lifes tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late"

Nov 29, 2003, 11:47 AM	Thread Starter #4
Markius DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 2,350 Rep Power: 0	Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this bloke she brought home. "Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked "The bastard called me a slut!" Mary said. "And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked. "I told him to get out of my bedroom and take his eight mates with him!" Mary said. sorry ill stop now...for a while __________________ DriverHeavens Aussie... "Lifes tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late"

Nov 30, 2003, 04:53 AM	Thread Starter #6
Markius DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 2,350 Rep Power: 0	anybody else gonna post a joke or two?? __________________ DriverHeavens Aussie... "Lifes tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late"

Nov 30, 2003, 07:20 AM	#7
mbeeston HardwareHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: alberta, canada (thats north of the usa people) Posts: 1,037 Rep Power: 68 System Specs	While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him? Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Indian: Look of shock. Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" Pointing at the Indian. Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: Look of disbelief. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Good." Indian: Extreme look of shock. Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" Pointing at the Indian. Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me." Indian: Complete look of utter amazement. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep liar." __________________ R.I.P Roadee - you will be missed T_T peace,love, and war... 3 things people look for... "if your going off the deep end, show off, do a cannon ball!" - me

Nov 30, 2003, 07:40 AM	#9
mainman Mr. Nobody Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: OmniPresent Nightwatcher Posts: 5,961 Rep Power: 71	__________________

Nov 30, 2003, 12:47 PM	Thread Starter #10
Markius DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 2,350 Rep Power: 0	Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the heck out of the dog. A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again. She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box." The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail." A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar." __________________ DriverHeavens Aussie... "Lifes tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late"

Nov 30, 2003, 12:49 PM	#11
Shadow Lady Avril Fan Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: somewhere in colombia, okok, bogotá city :p Posts: 1,262 Rep Power: 0	"Sheep liar." lol lol lol __________________ Oblivion ftw

Nov 30, 2003, 03:06 PM	#12
jjmd DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: In Your Mothers Closet... Posts: 1,081 Rep Power: 0	Sheep Liar __________________ [COLOR=blue]Win XP Pro all updates.[/COLOR] [COLOR=blue]Asus Crosshair, Amd 64 X2 6000. 4 GB Cosair Dominator,2 MSI 7900gs 512 mg, 2 raptor 150 gig in raid 0. 22inch View Sonic LCD, 2 HP 16x dvd burners, and some other crap. HE HE HE. [/COLOR]

Dec 1, 2003, 08:39 AM	#14
mbeeston HardwareHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: alberta, canada (thats north of the usa people) Posts: 1,037 Rep Power: 68 System Specs	How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. __________________ R.I.P Roadee - you will be missed T_T peace,love, and war... 3 things people look for... "if your going off the deep end, show off, do a cannon ball!" - me

Dec 2, 2003, 01:31 AM	Thread Starter #16
Markius DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 2,350 Rep Power: 0	yeah good one mbeeston! __________________ DriverHeavens Aussie... "Lifes tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late"