[fornicatarachnid]

Bell ringer

In an old monastary the bell ringer dies so the head monk
has to find a replacement. After an advert in the local paper
a man comes up for an interview, but to the monk's surprise,
the man has no arms.

"How are you going to ring the bell?" the monk asked.

"Oh, i simply run up and head the bell." the man replied

Startled at this, the monk decided to let him try a small
bell first. The man ran up and headed it. A perfect "DONG!"
thought the monk, so he allowed an attempt at a medium sized
bell, and the man once again headed it perfectly.

"OK", said the monk, "If you can just climb the tower and we
will try the large bell. If you do this one well then you
have the job, as this is the bell you will ring daily."

The man looked and ran up and dived at the bell head first.
The bell chimed fine but it swung back and fourth and hit
the man. He fell down the tower to the street below.

"F*uck!" thought the monk. He went down to see if he was ok.
At the bottom a policeman was checking the man's pulse.

"This man is dead!" he said. "Did you know him?" he asked
the monk.

"Well i didn't know his name, but his face rings a bell!"

[Ryoko]

Originally posted by fornicatarachnid
Bell ringer

In an old monastary the bell ringer dies so the head monk
has to find a replacement. After an advert in the local paper
a man comes up for an interview, but to the monk's surprise,
the man has no arms.

"How are you going to ring the bell?" the monk asked.

"Oh, i simply run up and head the bell." the man replied

Startled at this, the monk decided to let him try a small
bell first. The man ran up and headed it. A perfect "DONG!"
thought the monk, so he allowed an attempt at a medium sized
bell, and the man once again headed it perfectly.

"OK", said the monk, "If you can just climb the tower and we
will try the large bell. If you do this one well then you
have the job, as this is the bell you will ring daily."

The man looked and ran up and dived at the bell head first.
The bell chimed fine but it swung back and fourth and hit
the man. He fell down the tower to the street below.

"F*uck!" thought the monk. He went down to see if he was ok.
At the bottom a policeman was checking the man's pulse.

"This man is dead!" he said. "Did you know him?" he asked
the monk.

"Well i didn't know his name, but his face rings a bell!"

and again, the monestary was without a bell ringer.
another ad in the paper was placed, and again, the
monk heard a knock on his chamber. as he opened the
door, he saw a man who looked noticeably like the
first. this man also had no arms.

"what can i do for you?" asked the monk.

"well, my brother died a few days ago, and now i have
two families to support. i would like to apply for the
position of bell ringer, if that is ok." replied the man.

so the monk took the man up to the tower and had
him do a test run. if the man could ring the bell as
well as his brother without the same fate, he would be
perfect for the job, thought the monk.

the man stood against the wall of the fairly large room
at the top of the bell tower, lurched forward and ran
as fast as he could toward the bell. smacking the bell
with his forehead as hard as he could, the bell made a
perfect *dong*. to the monk's dismay, the man didn't
step back. did he not know what happened to his
brother? the bell came swinging back and hit the man
out the same window as his brother had fallen from
just days before.

when the police arrived, the monk again explained
what happened.

"who was he?" the monk asked.

the officer replied, "i don't know, but he sure is a dead
ringer for his brother"

[Ryoko]

Originally posted by shaith
20.) An erection is when Japanese people vote.
[ True ] or [ False ]

LMFAO

[uf4]

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a crash. A few weeks later, Pepsi
Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They
walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew,
and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their
legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we
drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you.....you know.... eat their...
'things'??"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

;

[kinetic]

After an evening at a local night club, a girl invited her newly found boyfriend back to her home that she shared with her parents. After an hour of passionate kissing and heavy petting the boy looked in some discomfort.

"Whats the matter?" asked the girl.

"I am desperate to use the toilet!" said the red faced young man.

"You'll have to use the sink in the kitchen, I don't want my parents to catch us!" said the worried girl.

On her instruction, he popped off to the kitchen.

After a few anxious minutes the girl began to wonder where her boyfriend had got to when he popped his head round the lounge door and whispered

"Have you got any paper?"

[uf4]

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of
the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes
out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When
you're seventy, you can't have a bowel movement
anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit
on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the
worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-
old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I
whizz like a race horse; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked
the 70-year-old.

"Well, not really. I have a great bowel movement
every morning at 6:30 am."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let
me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00
and have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30.
Then what's so tough about being 80?"

"Well, I don't wake up until 10:00 AM."

;

[Highwood]

This guy goes to shrinks office and tells the shrink, “doctor I can’t ride to work with my car pool any more, they go threw a tunnel and I just can’t handle that”.



















The shrink replies I know what your problem is, you have car-pool-tunnel syndrome.

[fornicatarachnid]

Little Red Riding Hood

Little red riding hood is walking through the forest when she hears a rustling in the bushes,
she leans over the bush and whispers quietly "whos there?"
and the wolf quickly scampered off.

She goes another 50yards and she hears the same rustling in the bushes again. so she leans over and whispers a little louder "whos there?".
and the wolf quickly scampered off again.

Another 100yards on and she hears the same rustling again and shouts "WHO'S THERE?".

The wolf came from behind the bush and growled.....

"WHY DON'T YOU FUCK OFF I'M TRYING TO HAVE A SHIT!!!"

[uf4]

What did the egg say to the water?






You get hot, I'll get hard, and we'll be done in 3 minutes!

;

[uf4]

A Arkansas woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many
children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,"
she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from
playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"


;

[Shaith]

Van Gogh's Relatives

His obnoxious brother..........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.....................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store..Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white.....Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.......................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.....Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.............Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle .........................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt......................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle...........................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst.......................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin........................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking...........Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew.......................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco.......................Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van..........Winnie Bay Gogh

[Shaith]

I was driving to work this morning when my car stalled in the damp weather. I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car. It seemed fairly tame, and I soon became fascinated in watching it up close as it strutted around and made cooing noises.

A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and joined the first bird. Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds, and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the color of my hood.

Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds. But, sure enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood.

All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off.

No way was I going to be pigeon towed!

[Shaith]

A recently married minister went to his congregation, informed them of his wife's pregnancy and asked for a raise that would allow him a reasonable salary. After deliberation it was agreed that the increase in family size warranted the raise.

After six births in six years the congregants called a meeting to complain that the cost was becoming burdensome. Things got contentious.

Finally, the minister stood at the altar and said, a little angrily, "Having children is an act of God!"

"Snow and rain are acts of God, too," a man at the back of the room said, "but most of us wear rubbers."

[Shaith]

She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .

* I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you
for ignoring me.

* I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room,
I still want you right now!

* This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang
bang.

* Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.

* Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my
blouse.

* That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to
watch pornos again?

* I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby-
sitter Tracy.

* You're my daddy! You're my daddy!

* The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her
over for dinner on Friday.

* Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl?
Good one!

* While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on
fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a
field goal they'll still cover.

* Bar food again!? Kick ass.

* I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl-
friend has class.

* That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm
gonna go over and talk to her.

* I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell
me more.

* I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the
old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!

* Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then
you don't have to mess with it anymore.

* I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you
want 'em?

* It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple
more pitchers.

* Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of
Chuck's bare ass!

* My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order
another round for you and your friends.

* I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll
ever change it again.

* Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars
and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth
again, ya' big silly!

* You are so much smarter than my father.

* If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let
me watch Sportscenter.

[Shaith]

A little boy didn't go to school one day. The next day
when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on
heat, so I had to take her to the bull".

"How disgusting," said the teacher? "I'm sure your father
could have done that."

"No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to be the bull"

[RIV@NVX]

Have you heard that two (not sure if anyone already posted this, I just didn't read the whole thread) jokes?
First: There were three grannies sitting in the dark and fourth one came and turned off the light.
Second: There were two men walking on the street and on one's head has fallen a "cigla" (don't know how to say that, it is orange and has holes and it is used for building whatever) on his head and other one was called Mark.

I especially like first one.

[fornicatarachnid]

The Fly

A little fly is buzzing around in a barn, when he sees a huge cow pat
on the ground. He feels peckish so he flies down and begins eating.

He gorges himself and then, full up, tries to fly away. To his
horror, he can't, he is too heavy. Looking around he sees a
pitch-fork leaning up against the wall. He crawls up to the top, and
spreading his wings, launches himself into the air.

He plummets to the ground, and splatters across a large area.

The moral of the story is: You shouldn't fly off the handle when you
are full of shit.

[fornicatarachnid]

The Funeral

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket, they hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She
lived for ten more years, and then died peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out
"Watch the f*cking wall!"

[Zardon]

This guy was off work and his wife was out getting the shopping, so he decides to get a porn tape his mate lent him and goes to play it on his video.

He is quite happily playing with himself when he looks around and sees the window cleaner outside, looking in while working away.

Embarassed the guy quickly fumbles for his pants and shuts the video off, going to the door the guy says to the windows cleaner ... "ermm how much for the windows man?"

The window cleaner smiling says "2 pounds sir", and handing over the money the embarassed guy says "and ermm how much to keep quiet about what you saw?"

"50 quid should cover that" says the window cleaner as he walks off shoving the money into his pocket.

About 10 minutes later, his wife comes home and says "these windows are SOO clean Frank, how much did he charge?"

"52 quid" says frank.

The woman gasps "52 pounds to clean the windows !!!!! he must have seen you coming!!!"

[fornicatarachnid]

Originally posted by Zardon
This guy was off work and his wife was out getting the shopping, so he decides to get a porn tape his mate lent him and goes to play it on his video.

He is quite happily playing with himself when he looks around and sees the window cleaner outside, looking in while working away.

Embarassed the guy quickly fumbles for his pants and shuts the video off, going to the door the guy says to the windows cleaner ... "ermm how much for the windows man?"

The window cleaner smiling says "2 pounds sir", and handing over the money the embarassed guy says "and ermm how much to keep quiet about what you saw?"

"50 quid should cover that" says the window cleaner as he walks off shoving the money into his pocket.

About 10 minutes later, his wife comes home and says "these windows are SOO clean Frank, how much did he charge?"

"52 quid" says frank.

The woman gasps "52 pounds to clean the windows !!!!! he must have seen you coming!!!"

mmmm, sounds like a true-life story that one. It wasn't you by any chance was it Zar ?

[Smoothdrive]

got this in the mail

AND THE YEAR IS STILL YOUNG...
Top 8 Morons of 2002


1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.


2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the
police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."


3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the
kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in
the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store
clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up
and grabbed him.


5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't
control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the
lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man
shouted, "That's not what I said!"


6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"


7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger
to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his
pocket.(hellllllooooooo!)


8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east
of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22
ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how
much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they
putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was
wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop
was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the
water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so
hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE .... Under the boat, still strapped
securely in place, was the trailer.

[Kelsenellenelvian]

Those are some good ones smoothdrive..

[fornicatarachnid]

Irishman and his chainsaw

An Irishman walks into a hardware store and complains to the shop
assistant saying that the chainsaw he had bought did not work
properly. The Irishman said the chainsaw was supposed to saw at
least 60 trees down a day but his only sawed down 40 a day.

So the shop assistant took a look at the chainsaw, pulled the
starter motor string to which the chainsaw made its usual chugging
chainsaw noise.

The Irishman replied "What the feck is that noise".

[reno]

A Turk walks up to a German and sticks his hand against the wall.

"500 mark if you can punch my hand," the Turk says.

The German laughs, thinking he gets an easy half-grand, he lines up the Turk's hand and lets loose Bruce Lee style. The Turk quickly moves his hand and the german breaks his fist on the wall.

The Turk walks away laughing and eats a doner.

The German goes to the hospital where the doctor asks him how he hurt his hand, and the German decides to pull the trick on the doctor himself.

The German sticks his hand in front of his face.

"500 mark if you can punch my hand," the German says.

[fornicatarachnid]

The Drunk

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down but
says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times
on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either".

[fornicatarachnid]

Originally posted by -={420}=-........This thread is so popular and is very close to beating the worst joke thread (which by the way i thought was rather dumb)

.......brought back from the dead just for you

A man staggers into an emergency room with a
concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes
and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally,the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was
having a quiet round of golf with my wife,
when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our
balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was
rooting around noticed one of the cows had
something white at its rear end. I walked over
and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there
was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--
stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled
to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' " .

"I don't remember much after that."