[Veridian3]

More than 400 performers have been demonstrating the art of cutting-edge comedy on and beyond the Fringe. Here's a selection of the best gags...


The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died ... Dido must be crapping herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I Was two, "cause they wanted me to sound like a prat".
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She
said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"
I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its
hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well.
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr at the ICC

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Damn, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have
botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look
shocked.
Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl
out of Cork ...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign
that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a
rip off.
Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
Seymour Mace at Café Royal

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
got one!" Norman Lovett at The Stand

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
Arnold Brown at The Stand

[WisMerHill]

LOL, some good ones there

[patje]

lol indeed, nice find stu

[pr0digal jenius]

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms


hahahahahaha


i got another like it:

My uncle was a dyslexic agnostic insomniac.....
...strange, i know....
he sat up all night unable to sleep wonderign if there really was a dog

[Markius]

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its
hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well.



classic

[dj_stick]

those ones are great stuff